The Agenda

(On non-flushable paper)

From: Wesli AnneMarie Dymoke
To: Fellow Staff
Re: Toilet Paper

As cow-orkers, we appreciate each other's consideration in all aspects of our shared experience, so let me first thank those who responded to my prior missive regarding dental hygiene, including the few who apparently read my note about halitosis. As we all desire greater respect in the workplace, I'm sure everyone will appreciate the following.

by: Lee Berman

If you charged for mustache rides on a sliding scale, what would be the criteria for that scale? -WP

How could I calculate anything out on a sliding scale? Wouldn't it have to stay put long enough for me to figure out a rate? Is this a sexual question?

by Ted Rao

IN THIS ISSUE: PROVIDENCE DRIVES WHILE WHITE.

(Actual dialogue between myself and the cop who pulled me over last week on Valley Street while I was driving my truck with: 1. no front plate, 2. a busted headlight, 3. no inspection sticker, 4. an expired license, 5. expired insurance, and 6. no plausible exhaust system to speak of.)

Cop: How are you doing today?

Providence: Fine officer, how are you?

Duo Plans To Play Every Venue In Providence In One Day

by Matt Obert

Vinyl Von Ricci and Sir VZO, the electronic duo known as Mahi Mahi, shocked the music world with their recent announcement of a seemingly impossible tour itinerary. On the first Saturday in April, the two men in white are going to attempt to play every venue in Providence.

LotsofNoise.com: The Musical

by Tanya Hardingcore

A musical debut depicting the epic struggle of good versus evil as played out in the Providence underground was penned and performed recently by the Lots of Noise Forum Players. The trials and tribulations of working within a rapidly gentrifying cityscape are told through a musical score written only by the group’s online forums. The storyline seemed loosely based on Rent, but instead of a ragtag group of New York bohemians struggling to express themselves through their art and by “measuring their lives in love,” it became a story about a ragtag group of Providence hardcore-noise-metalheads struggling to express themselves through their music and “finding a goddamn place to host a decent fucking music show.” Against the ever faster redevelopment of Providence’s Olneyville neighborhood, these forum posters strive for a space to call home (err… I mean, practice space), all while enduring the obstacles of poverty, post-Station fire codes and wealthy developers from Baltimore.

Looking to Change the World, One Stitch at a Time

by Molly Booker

The South Lonsdale Quilter’s Guild, established shortly after the start of the Civil War, has been a staple of South Lonsdale social life for over a century. Since 1987, the Guild has met once a week at the home of Myrtle Shaw to quilt, teach, and socialize.

“I inherited the Guild from my mother’s next-door neighbor, Edna Black, back in 1987,” says Mrs. Shaw. “When Edna passed, her only daughter Marlee lived way out ’round Woonsocket. ‘Myrtle,’ she said to me, ‘seeing as how there were nothing else but boys on our street excepting you and my Marlee, it looks like you’re the closest thing to a daughter I got left around here. This Guild has been in South Lonsdale since 1863 and I ain’t about to pass until I know there’s someone ’round here that’s going to carry it on.’ At that point, I’d never quilted in my life, but seeing as how Edna has been near death with pneumonia a half a dozen times in the last year, I figured taking over the Guild was the Christian thing to do so that Edna could finally pass in peace.”

City Council Protests, Is Dissolved

by John Taraborelli

Dresden Calling: 10th Anniversary Deluxe Edition (The Liner Notes)

Before There Was Iraq, There Was Rock. Before There Was Gitmo, There Was Guitar. And Before He Was the Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld Was the Secretary of Rocking Your Fucking World!

by John Taraborelli