The Agenda

by John Taraborelli

My fellow board members, I come before you today to silence the growing voices of concern, speculation, rumor and innuendo. There has been much controversy surrounding our fine institution as of late and much ballyhoo has been made of the sudden, indefinite closure of the Dr. Timothy Leary Memorial XXXtreme Monkey and Primate Conservancy, or as it is affectionately known, the monkey zoo. The dearth of concrete information coming out from behind our walls has given rise to a growing tide of gossip and criticism-some of it baseless, some of it startlingly close to home. Today I intend to go on record with the most current and frank assessment of our situation.