The Agenda

Note: This letter from a concerned Providentian appeared in The Agenda #18.

Dear “The Cheesecake Factory,”

Approximately one year ago I went to your restaurant to enjoy a nice meal with my girlfriend. She had been given a gift certificate and was excited to take me out for a change. I was intrigued by many of the pastas you had on your menu, but because of dietary restrictions, I was forced to ask a specific question. This question, it turns out, has only one answer at “the Cheesecake Factory”: Yes, I’m afraid so.

Dear Dunkin’ Donuts,

You know how every single hack stand up comic has a bit about how ridiculously overpriced Starbucks is? Oh, sure you do. It’s usually sandwiched in between the bit about how men and women use remote controls differently (“So true!”), and how white people can’t dance (“Oh no he di’int!”). Well, there are two things that comedians can’t mention, and they can’t mention them because it isn’t fucking funny. They can’t say that: a) Starbucks coffee (regular ol’ COFFEE) is cheaper than Dunkin’ Donuts coffee and b) Starbucks coffee is pretty decent, whereas Dunkin’ Donuts coffee tastes like a used colostomy bag.

Dear Hudson Street Market,

Seriously guys, what the fuck? I mean, Jesus, does it ever get tiring ruling so much? Being so ri-goddam-diculously perfect might be too much pressure for the average deli/corner store, but you guys just hang out and make it look easy.

It might be that you don’t realize how much there is to appreciate, as if you are stuck in the black hole of your awesomeness (which is to say, your awesomeness is so massive as to have a gravitational pull greater than the speed of light, which is just a theory but is supported by proven astronomical and gravitational phenomena).