The Agenda

Governor Carcieri

Dear Governor Carcieri,

I write to you to express my displeasure regarding a recent “Pro-Life” rally in the State House. Though I fully support any view you or anyone else may hold on this issue, I find it quite inappropriate for you to host such an event in the State House rotunda. You, as governor, are the representative of each and every Rhode Islander. For you to open the doors of the State House for supporters of one belief, simultaneously slams the doors on the other. Would you allow a pro-choice rally within the rotunda? Would you lend voice to the other segment of the population of this state who support the right to choose? I doubt it.

Dear Dunkin’ Donuts,

You know how every single hack stand up comic has a bit about how ridiculously overpriced Starbucks is? Oh, sure you do. It’s usually sandwiched in between the bit about how men and women use remote controls differently (“So true!”), and how white people can’t dance (“Oh no he di’int!”). Well, there are two things that comedians can’t mention, and they can’t mention them because it isn’t fucking funny. They can’t say that: a) Starbucks coffee (regular ol’ COFFEE) is cheaper than Dunkin’ Donuts coffee and b) Starbucks coffee is pretty decent, whereas Dunkin’ Donuts coffee tastes like a used colostomy bag.

Dear Hudson Street Market,

Seriously guys, what the fuck? I mean, Jesus, does it ever get tiring ruling so much? Being so ri-goddam-diculously perfect might be too much pressure for the average deli/corner store, but you guys just hang out and make it look easy.

It might be that you don’t realize how much there is to appreciate, as if you are stuck in the black hole of your awesomeness (which is to say, your awesomeness is so massive as to have a gravitational pull greater than the speed of light, which is just a theory but is supported by proven astronomical and gravitational phenomena).

Searching for Past Copy

Hello,
You had a cute article a couple volumes back, with Providence’s most eligible bachelors.
Jimmy Caruso was one. Wondering if I could get a copy of that paper.
Thanks

“Providence’s Most Ineligible Bachelors” were featured in Issue 15 (“Say Anything,” February 2006). Back issues are available on request, depending on availability. You can write to us at agenda@agendanation.net. We can rush an article to the web if there is a special, late night request. For example: http://agendanation.net/15/ineligibles