The Agenda

(On non-flushable paper)

As cow-orkers, we appreciate each other's consideration in all aspects of our shared experience, so let me first thank those who responded to my prior missive regarding dental hygiene, including the few who apparently read my note about halitosis. As we all desire greater respect in the workplace, I'm sure everyone will appreciate the following.

by John Taraborelli

My fellow board members, I come before you today to silence the growing voices of concern, speculation, rumor and innuendo. There has been much controversy surrounding our fine institution as of late and much ballyhoo has been made of the sudden, indefinite closure of the Dr. Timothy Leary Memorial XXXtreme Monkey and Primate Conservancy, or as it is affectionately known, the monkey zoo. The dearth of concrete information coming out from behind our walls has given rise to a growing tide of gossip and criticism-some of it baseless, some of it startlingly close to home. Today I intend to go on record with the most current and frank assessment of our situation.

William Wood a.k.a. Loud Billy, a.k.a. The Mayor: Future mayor

Age: 1 score and 8 years
Zodiac sign: Scorpio
Occupation: Receptionist, Federal Hill Tattoo

What did you hope to accomplish by 28?
You don't get to a lofty position like mine by planning ahead, but here's some stuff I tried to do:
-Bristol Community College: Dropped out.

Kevin Patrick Leavitt: Lost in a man forest

Age: 30
Zodiac sign: Pisces
Occupation: Retail Clerk

What did you hope to accomplish by 30?
To finally have that mysterious lump removed from my back.

What have you actually accomplished?
I watched the first season of Battlestar Galactica in one night

Most embarrassing moment

Aaron Thomas: The champagne of assholes

Age: 27
Zodiac sign: Scorpio
Occupation: Jerky’s DJ, guitarist for The Honeymoon’s Over

What did you hope to accomplish by 27?
A financially stable lifestyle, a really nice girl, a swimming pool in the backyard and a couple of my platinum records on my wall

What have you actually accomplished?

Michael David Brousseau: Pictured with his svonce

Age: 31
Zodiac sign: Scorpio
Occupation: tattoo artist

What did you hope to accomplish by 31?
A wife, a job, a ridiculously large collection of records, a masters degree, a dog and rent.

What have you actually accomplished?
An ex-fiance, a job, a marginal collection of scratched hip hop 12 inches, six years of college and six credits shy of a bachelors degree in fine art, a dog ... my ex-girlfriend's dog. Can I borrow, like, 50 dollars ’til next week?

Robert William Albanese III: Borderline eligible

Age: 27
Zodiac sign: Gemini
Occupation: adjunct professor/writer/video store clerk

What did you hope to accomplish by 27?
To have made a feature-length film and/or written a published novel

What have you actually accomplished?
Maintaining somewhere between $50 and $1500 in my bank account; earning a masters degree; teaching a college class; writing a column about music in the local wine-and-cheese magazine; being moderately handsome.

Edward Joseph Rao: Reservoir Jerk

Age: 29
Zodiac sign: Sagittarius
Occupation: Former cook, current Student, professional drinker and/or over-analyzer.

What did you hope to accomplish by 29?
I would like to have an occupation that helps people while paying the bills (such as a school teacher), be happily in love, playing music regularly, and have lived somewhere other than Providence for once in my life.

Jimmy James Caruso: Lecherous old man

Age: a haggard-ass 25
Zodiac sign: “Saggitarious”
Occupation: freelance sound engineer, cook at the Red Fez

What do you hope to accomplish by 60?
I consider myself in training to become a lecherous old man. I have been leaning towards older women lately. Figure I get ’em out of my system now so that I can forgo them in my "golden years”.

Kevin Joseph Bowden: Has posted "raves" of self on craigslist

Age: 29
Zodiac Sign: Cancer
Occupation: Futon salesman, DJ, bass player for The Cold War

What did you hope to accomplish by 29?
World touring rockstar, professional stuntman

What have you actually accomplished?
Failed musician, intermittently employed, currently homeless. I'd say things couldn't get any worse, but my pee has been smelling funny.