Humor
25 July 08 (Issue #16)
by John Taraborelli
My
fellow board members, I come before you today to silence the growing voices of
concern, speculation, rumor and innuendo. There has been much controversy
surrounding our fine institution as of late and much ballyhoo has been made of
the sudden, indefinite closure of the Dr. Timothy Leary Memorial XXXtreme
Monkey and Primate…
29 August 07 (Issue #17)
(On non-flushable paper)
From: Wesli AnneMarie Dymoke
To: Fellow Staff
Re: Toilet Paper
As cow-orkers, we appreciate each other's consideration in all aspects of our shared
experience, so let me first thank those who responded to my prior missive regarding
dental hygiene, including the few who apparently read my…
8 October 06 (Issue #15)
Jimmy James Caruso: Lecherous old man
Age: a haggard-ass 25
Zodiac sign: “Saggitarious”
Occupation: freelance sound engineer, cook at the Red Fez
What do you hope to accomplish by 60?
I consider myself in training to become a lecherous old man. I have been leaning towards older women lately. Figure I get ’em out of…
8 October 06 (Issue #15)
William Wood a.k.a. Loud Billy, a.k.a. The Mayor: Future mayor
Age: 1 score and 8 years
Zodiac sign: Scorpio
Occupation: Receptionist, Federal Hill Tattoo
What did you hope to accomplish by 28?
You don't get to a lofty position like mine by planning ahead, but here's some stuff I tried to do:
-Bristol Community College: Dropped…
8 October 06 (Issue #15)
Kevin Patrick Leavitt: Lost in a man forest
Age: 30
Zodiac sign: Pisces
Occupation: Retail Clerk
What did you hope to accomplish by 30?
To finally have that mysterious lump removed from my back.
What have you actually accomplished?
I watched the first season of Battlestar Galactica in one night
Most embarrassing moment
The time I got my back…
8 October 06 (Issue #15)
Aaron Thomas: The champagne of assholes
Age: 27
Zodiac sign: Scorpio
Occupation: Jerky’s DJ, guitarist for The Honeymoon’s Over
What did you hope to accomplish by 27?
A financially stable lifestyle, a really nice girl, a swimming pool in the backyard and a couple of my platinum records on my wall
What have you actually accomplished?
An…
8 October 06 (Issue #15)
Michael David Brousseau: Pictured with his svonce
Age: 31
Zodiac sign: Scorpio
Occupation: tattoo artist
What did you hope to accomplish by 31?
A wife, a job, a ridiculously large collection of records, a masters degree, a dog and rent.
What have you actually accomplished?
An ex-fiance, a job, a marginal collection of scratched hip hop 12…
8 October 06 (Issue #15)
Robert William Albanese III: Borderline eligible
Age: 27
Zodiac sign: Gemini
Occupation: adjunct professor/writer/video store clerk
What did you hope to accomplish by 27?
To have made a feature-length film and/or written a published novel
What have you actually accomplished?
Maintaining somewhere between $50 and $1500 in my bank account; earning a masters degree; teaching a college…
8 October 06 (Issue #15)
Edward Joseph Rao: Reservoir Jerk
Age: 29
Zodiac sign: Sagittarius
Occupation: Former cook, current Student, professional drinker and/or over-analyzer.
What did you hope to accomplish by 29?
I would like to have an occupation that helps people while paying the bills (such as a school teacher), be happily in love, playing music regularly, and…
8 October 06 (Issue #15)
Kevin Joseph Bowden: Has posted "raves" of self on craigslist
Age: 29
Zodiac Sign: Cancer
Occupation: Futon salesman, DJ, bass player for The Cold War
What did you hope to accomplish by 29?
World touring rockstar, professional stuntman
What have you actually accomplished?
Failed musician, intermittently employed, currently homeless. I'd say things couldn't get any worse, but…
