The Agenda

Lhude sing cuccu!

It's that time of year again when I start to fantasize about moving to Alaska (Weather Underground is forecasting highs in Anchorage today in the “upper 50s to mid 60s,” which is far more tolerable than the stinking sweating purgatory of Providence today). If you love summer as much as I do, the Rhode Island Department of Environmental Management wants you to know they feel your pain. If you need protection from the “unhealthy air quality” afflicting Southern New England like a divine punishment for something-or-other, head to the Da Vinci Center in the North End for some emergency shelter.

(As disgusting as this weather is, though, it's still no justification for closing public schools like those wimps in Pawtucket. Someone tell School Superintendent Hans W. Dellith to man the hell up.)

Don Mollis would like to remind youse that if you voted in one party's presidential primary (presumably the one that still counted by the time Rho Dylanders got our turn) and would like to vote in another party's primary in September (presumably the party that doesn't count in Rho Dyland), you need to do that thing with the stuff by June 11.

By Ted Rao

[This article first appeared in The Agenda #13, December 2005]

In the first column I listed my ten favorite Providence bands ever. Apparently, this was one of the more popular aspects of the column, since people started giving me their own lists as well. Again, gimme some shit; I’ll stir it. Here are some for you, and please e-mail me your own personal top ten, as well as all questions at iamprov@gmail.com. Babe’s on the Sunnyside, R.I.P.

Mat Brinkman:

1. (tie) Glory Hole / Pussy Galore (Ted: I don’t think Pussy Galore can be counted as local even if Jon Spencer did go to Brown)
2. La Machine
3. Dropdead
4. Em Dath Rir
5. Pleasurehorse
6. Mx Rx Px
7. Von Ryan’s Express
8. Six Finger Satellite
9. White Mice
10. The Body

By Ted Rao

[This article first appeared in The Agenda #12, November 2005]

Cranston Mayor Steve Laffey is a complete idiot. I don’t care that he’s got an MBA from Harvard; so does our President, and there’s a guy that my cat could beat at Scrabble. He will not, repeat, will not be able to beat Senator Lincoln Chafee in next year’s primary, short of Chafee being caught in bed with a dead hooker. Even then, I doubt it. Besides, even if he did, Sheldon Whitehouse would demolish him in the general election. So screw Laffey. Wait, why do I care? Laffey’s the mayor of Cranston. This column is about Providence, America’s greatest city. Onward.

Could you please tell me a little bit about that happy man that is often found outside the side entrance to city hall holding a small tape player/radio that plays old Buddy Cianci speeches and greets people passing by with the line "Buddy Cianci number one! Go Red Sox!" Where has he gone and what is he up to? I miss that old fella. —Jed Rocka

By Joan M. Wyand

[This article first appeared in The Agenda #19, July/August 2006]

A Monday in March was a beautiful day for a bike ride. After scoping out the construction of the impending 195 bridge, I biked up towards India Point Park.

I passed a dilapidated marina club that my friends and I had previously explored at night. The building is three or four stories tall and covered in rust colored paint. In the back there are two docks that could house about 20 boats. Two staircases align with the boat docks, leading up to multileveled cement decks with abandoned outdoor bars. The building seems as if it went through a hurricane. The metal handrails are contorted in the same way that the industrial steel billboards were demolished in New Orleans after Katrina. I had come back to retrieve the turquoise awning material I scouted out last time I visited.

But, but Jef... we need more luxury condos.

For the first time in U.S. history, more than one of every 100 adults is in jail or prison, according to a new report documenting America's rank as the world's No. 1 incarcerator. It urges states to curtail corrections spending by placing fewer low-risk offenders behind bars.

“As voters prepare to cast their ballots to nominate their choice for the next President of the United States, I want to make sure they know exactly where to go to cast their ballot,” says Providence Mayor David Cicilline in a press release today. Providentians seem to have divested themselves of their well-reasoned cynicism regarding the incredible fiction of American democracy, and will be turning out in “record numbers” on March 4th to register their support of future President John McCain, one of two identical lying, pro-war Democrats, or one of many irrelevant also-rans.

In any case, if you have some time to waste next Tuesday, you should go to the Rhode Island Voter Information Center website to find out the location of your local polling place (pictured, left). Note that your polling place for the primary election may be different from your usual November location, so it's a good idea to check, to ensure you can maintain the illusion of having your voice heard.

Don't be surprised if you hear that question a lot more often in the coming months. Rhode Island's premier manufacturer of Carcieri blankets has alerted us to the news that federal Medicare officials, looking to cut costs, have finally noticed an accounting irregularity here in Rhode Island. (Funny; you'd think they'd look here first for that kind of thing.)

Governor Carcieri

Dear Governor Carcieri,

I write to you to express my displeasure regarding a recent “Pro-Life” rally in the State House. Though I fully support any view you or anyone else may hold on this issue, I find it quite inappropriate for you to host such an event in the State House rotunda. You, as governor, are the representative of each and every Rhode Islander. For you to open the doors of the State House for supporters of one belief, simultaneously slams the doors on the other. Would you allow a pro-choice rally within the rotunda? Would you lend voice to the other segment of the population of this state who support the right to choose? I doubt it.

I think The Don's been sucking on one of those pipes we featured recently.

Two types of pipes commonly found in Providence. Top: Peter; Bottom: Ted Johnson

(Because the rest of Providence is off at law school or some crap.)

By Agenda Staff

I live in downtown Providence and have seen 5 or 6 of these pipes coming out of the sidewalk (photo attached). Do you know what they are? Since there's no subway here, it doesn't seem like an exhaust pipe, and the design is unusual … any ideas?
—Peter (doubleagentrecords.com)

The Agenda's crack(ed) research team sprang into action on this and found Michael Newman, Chief of the Plumbing Division at the Department of Inspection and Standards who was willing to explain the pipes' function.

While it's true that there is no subway here, there are definitely networks of basements, sub-basements and interconnected tunnels in the Lovecraftian depths of Providence.

These “vent pipes” are for active venting of underground utility tunnels, especially gas and common utility ducts (those that carry multiple utility channels).

A combination of factors and events cause or allow various kinds of vapors to collect and build up in these enclosed spaces, including gas line seepage, moisture condensation, catalytic gas emission from electrical conduits (caused by field effects on insulation materials), and off-gassing from containment and insulation materials. Besides the obvious risk of fire, utility workers are at risk from breathing these gases.

Following a two-week closure caused by the sudden collapse of 1/3 of its café ceiling, The Providence Black Repertory Company will host a Re-Opening Celebration on Friday, January 11th beginning at 5 p.m. until closing.

Today's ProJo, in reporting a license suspension for a South Providence liquor store, mentions that, “By statute, it is a criminal offense for a liquor licensee to sell alcohol ‘to any intoxicated persons or to any person of notoriously intemperate habits.’”

The epithet, “Person of notoriously intemperate habits” grabbed my attention for two reasons. First, it's an accurate description of any given Agenda staff member. Secondly, it's another beautiful turn of phrase from our state law books, ranking up there with “abominable and detestable crime against nature” (which, fortunately for us, is no longer punishable—by the state of Rhode Island, at least—unless “any beast” is involved).

Forty-five percent of entering freshmen at Central High School reach their senior year, according to a new Johns Hopkins University study cited today by the Providence Journal's newsblog.