by John Taraborelli
My
fellow board members, I come before you today to silence the growing voices of
concern, speculation, rumor and innuendo. There has been much controversy
surrounding our fine institution as of late and much ballyhoo has been made of
the sudden, indefinite closure of the Dr. Timothy Leary Memorial XXXtreme
Monkey and Primate Conservancy, or as it is affectionately known, the monkey
zoo. The dearth of concrete information coming out from behind our walls has
given rise to a growing tide of gossip and criticism-some of it baseless, some
of it startlingly close to home. Today I intend to go on record with the most
current and frank assessment of our situation.
From
the humble beginnings of this monkey zoo we knew we were taking a bold new
step, embarking on a daring zoological experiment. There were never any
illusions about the great risk involved. Our mission was simple: place a great
menagerie of monkeys and other primates within the walls of a sprawling nature
conservancy, hop them up on a garish and dangerous assortment of drugs, and see
what happens. Critics admonished us for being immoral, unethical, foolhardy,
and downright reckless, but our venture was guided by a single unerring
principle: namely, that monkeys are funny, and monkeys on drugs are doubly so.
Now
here we are a full decade into one of the most daring-some might say
bat-shit-crazy-scientific experiments in history. Many thought we would not
last this long, but we have defied them every step of the way. They said this
operation would hemorrhage money, and yet it has turned a profit every year of
its existence-except for that one year when the parents of that little Korean
kid who got his ass bit off sued the bejesus out of us. They said no one in
their right mind would visit such an uninsurable logistical nightmare, and yet
millions of curiosity seekers have filed through our electrified barbed wire
gates. Most of all, they said our monkey zoo would be a grave threat to the
life and limb of employees and visitors alike, and yet our fatality rate now
stands at a very respectable one in three.
I am
proud of our accomplishments here, ladies and gentlemen. So now it is with
great regret that I must inform you that our beloved monkey zoo has spiraled
out of control and must be sealed off forever. How has this happened? What
factors have precipitated this dire situation? I will now present you with a
brief chronology of our downfall.
Approximately
six months ago, we started to notice a peculiar series of changes within the
conservancy; a sense of a deliberate hand at work began to pervade the usual
dynamic of drug-crazed monkey anarchy. We noticed it first among the silver
back gorillas, whose usual PCP-fueled fits of extreme violence became more
focused and discriminate, as if directed by some outside force. Shortly
thereafter, the chimpanzees-beloved by our patrons for their wild,
feces-hurling cocaine binges-seemed to be maintaining a markedly low profile
and withdrawing from the general primate population. Unpredictability of
behavior among the animals is an expected part of our job, and so we chalked
these strange phenomena up to the unstable nature of monkeys on drugs.
It is
only in the past two weeks that the true nature of these events has come to
light. A plot has been at work behind the scenes, the likely result of
freakishly unnatural, chemically-induced evolution among the primates. Only
when we deemed it necessary to temporarily cut off the supply of drugs did the
full extent of these developments become clear. Drug use among the monkeys
continued unabated, and further investigation revealed that the already high
intellect of the chimpanzees-stimulated by the megalomania-inducing effects of
copious amounts of cocaine-has advanced to the point that they are now able to
synthesize drugs on their own. Furthermore, they have refined the science to
the point that they can tailor drugs to produce desired results in individual
species of primates. This was first evident in the silver back gorillas. A
complex hybrid of PCP and sodium pentathol has provided the chimpanzees with a
powerful mind control drug which can turn the silver backs into mindless
enforcers with the strength of fifty men. It gets worse.
While
initially it seemed hilarious to get the other gorillas-you know, the regular
ones-high on marijuana, it has perhaps not unexpectedly made them quite
philosophical. All the time they spent just kind of chilling out, nibbling on
leaves and thinking about shit while the other monkeys were running amok has
made the gorillas acutely aware of the political and socioeconomic conditions
in which they live; they arrived at some mind-blowing conclusions. The
resulting manifesto, entitled The First
Treatise on the Origin of a Primate Revolutionary Council, was found
written in feces on the wall of the gorilla compound. Shortly before they all
had their heads bashed in, the gorilla handlers managed to transcribe this
treatise and copies will be distributed to all board members.
This
treatise was drafted in conjunction with the chimpanzees, who have joined
forces with the gorillas to form the Supreme Primate Revolutionary Council.
Their conclusions draw heavily on the writings of Locke, Marx, Chairman Mao and
Hegel; it is a brilliant and terrifying document, the chief tenets of which
assert absolute primate hegemony within the walls of the compound, and declare
all human authority null and void. Goldstein, Sheinman, Silver: according to
this document, you three seem to be particularly fucked.
Fellow
board members, I must regretfully inform you that the SPRC is firmly in control
of the monkey zoo. They have thus far refused any diplomatic overtures, angrily
flinging shit at our chief negotiator. All sources of information from within
the conservancy, save for the Council's own Ministry of Information and
Bananas, have been shut off. This ministry sent word that the remaining guests
and employees within the compound will be held alive as hostages; any
incursions upon primate sovereignty will result in the swift execution of all
hostages. We have no choice but to regard this threat with the utmost gravity.
They have also requested several cases of Red Bull and Funyuns.
Perhaps
in the coming weeks the SPRC can be coaxed into negotiations, but our only
option at this moment is a policy of containment. A heavily armed security
force is on guard twenty-four hours a day to prevent any expansionist ambitions
on the part of the SPRC. These men have orders to shoot on sight any primate
attempting to stray beyond the walls of the conservancy. Unfortunately, the zoo
itself is lost and must be abandoned to the extremist rule of those damn dirty
apes.
That
is all of the information verifiable at this time. The once proud
accomplishment of a drug-fueled monkey zoo is all but destroyed. Accomplishment
failed, ladies and gentlemen. Accomplishment failed. May God have mercy on us
all.
