Why can’t I have an orgasm during sex? I’m beginning to think there might be something wrong with me, because I can only come from masturbating. Please help!
Trust Us: there’s nothing wrong with you. Believe it or not, your situation is very common. The vast majority (80%) of women do not climax from penetration itself, despite what you may have heard, read, or seen in the movies. It usually takes some serious clit stimulation to get there, with or without penetration. And definitely don’t dismiss your ability to come from masturbating. In fact, if you want to get off during partner sex, your best bet is to take your cue from what you do when you’re alone. What brings you the most pleasure when you masturbate? Do you like to use your fingers? A vibrator? There’s no reason not to play with yourself during partner sex; it only adds to the fun! There are a couple of ways you can try to bring yourself over the edge with a partner. One way might be to work yourself up by masturbating before sex (and/or have your sweetie help you along the way), getting yourself close to orgasm before penetration. That way, by the time the action starts, you may be able to get off from the added stimulation. You can also masturbate during partner sex, adjusting the position of your bodies so that you have easy access to your vulva and clit with either a hand or a vibrator. You can try going on top, which will make it very easy for you to make love and touch yourself at the same time. I’m sure that with a little imagination and practice you can cum up with all kinds of fun positions, and discover a thing or two about yourself while you’re at it. If adjusting the positioning is difficult or uncomfortable, there are cock rings with mini vibes attached (all shapes and sizes!) that are designed to stimulate the clit during penetration.
Another option is to strengthen your PC muscles by doing Kegel exercises. Your PC muscles are the things that give you the shudders during orgasm and so it is important to keep them toned to get more OOH! during your buck. One can find their Kegel muscles by urinating and then consciously stopping the flow midstream. The muscles that you clamp down on to stop urinating are your PC muscles. Try to do a few hundred of these a day, or if that sounds tedious, invest in a set of Kegel exercisers. These look like a string of two balls and should be made of a safe, nonporous material. They’re meant to be inserted into the vaginal canal and worn daily—your muscles will naturally flex to hold the balls in. Plus, they have stainless steel balls inside that jiggle around to remind you of your little secret! It’s like having your own little party in your pants! Strengthening the PC muscles can do a number of things:
- It increases the strength of your orgasm.
- It can prevent Vaginal Prolapse which can be caused due to weak PC muscles. Vaginal Prolapse is something that can occur in women who have given birth vaginally.
- It gives you the ability to contract and release around your partners fingers, penis or toy. Having this control and learning what feels good can mean the difference between having or not having an orgasm during penetrative sex, but also can feel great for your partner! More fun for all!
I’ve heard that silicone vibrators are better than jelly latex vibrators. But what’s the difference?
It is true—in most cases, silicone toys are preferable to their jelly counterparts. The main differences between the materials are quality, safety, and cost. Jelly latex vibrators are much cheaper, but they are porous and so they hold onto thing like bacteria and dirt and cannot be sterilized. Many jelly toys also leach chemicals (like the coloring they use to make them look bright and cheerful) into the body when used internally. Silicone is more durable, nonporous and easier to clean; it won’t hold onto anything and doesn’t leach chemicals. Antibacterial soap and hot water do the trick. If it’s a silicone toy without a motor, it can be boiled for two to three minutes to sterilize it.
The exceptions are if you are only using the toy externally, or if you haven’t used many (or any) sex toys before and you are on a budget. Jelly latex might be a good choice when you are first figuring out the lay of the land; it would be a shame to invest in a high quality silicone toy, only to find that the size/shape/vibration doesn’t float your boat. If you’re not quite sure what kind of toy you want, you can test out a few different kinds by picking up the less expensive jelly latex or hard plastic versions. (Hard plastic is safer than latex). If you are testing out toys to use internally, we recommend that you use a condom if you do choose a jelly latex toy to start. And, after 6 months’ use, it’s best to throw your jelly latex toy out as the material is much more likely to cause infections. Once you know what you like, invest in a silicone version that’s safe and built to last!
Send your questions to askmiko@agendanation.net
