The Agenda

Dear Hudson Street Market,

Seriously guys, what the fuck? I mean, Jesus, does it ever get tiring ruling so much? Being so ri-goddam-diculously perfect might be too much pressure for the average deli/corner store, but you guys just hang out and make it look easy.

It might be that you don’t realize how much there is to appreciate, as if you are stuck in the black hole of your awesomeness (which is to say, your awesomeness is so massive as to have a gravitational pull greater than the speed of light, which is just a theory but is supported by proven astronomical and gravitational phenomena).

1. You guys are always absurdly friendly. How, with all the aggravated store clerks and surly, Vicodin-popping food preparers out there, do you noble few always smile and treat people well? You seem to know nearly every person who walks through the door by name, and my GOD is that a breath of fresh air.
2. You guys have sweet tattoos. Fishnet tattoos. Demon tattoos. Mighty.
3. Have you noticed that in your super small store you manage to have, like, eight or nine different kinds of soymilk?! What?!?
4. The little kids in the neighborhood all like you. That might be the best litmus test anyone can give. The fact that you somehow manage to like them back (in the wholesome way) earns you sainthood in most churches.
5. Oh yeah: Let’s not forget that you people — you wonderful, wonderful people — take an ENTIRE LOAF of Italian bread and then fill the fucker until it resembles some sort of pregnant roadkill (but in a good way). Cheese grinder? How would you like that? With the usual 16 pounds of cheese or would you like extra? Vegetables? How’s about: avocado, sprouts, ultra salty whole green olives or crumbled tofu? CRUMBLED TOFU. If you ask for something like that at d’Angelo, they might call the cops. Could you imagine the scope of the horror that would go through the counterperson’s mind? “This guy wants tofu on his grinder?! Stay cool man, stay cool…” (gasps for breath) “I’m … I’m getting light-headed! Oh GOD! I knew I shouldn’t have taken such a dangerous job!”

I’m assuming that you are just as generous when you make a grinder with meat as well. You can tell because of the wet spot on the pant legs of your customers as they wheelbarrow their sandwiches from your store.

So in closing: Never change. K.I.T.