City Council Protests, Is Dissolved
by John Taraborelli
In the boldest redevelopment proposal yet undertaken in the Renaissance City, Mayor Cicilline, in a press conference on Friday, March 31, revealed for the first time plans to construct an entirely new Providence on the grounds of the current one, to be completed in 2026. Speaking before reporters, Cicilline was joined at the podium by Prince Sheikh Ahmed Yassin Bin Azziz al Mahmoud al Faisal Abu Bin Ali Bin Muhammed al Mohammed al Islam, or Abu Ali, as he is often called, the president of Dubai Contractors Worldwide (DCW), the state-owned Emirati construction firm responsible for the project.
Calling the reconstruction “a bold step forward” for the city, New Providence will be erected on the ruins of not only Providence, but the surrounding areas of North and East Providence, Johnston, and Cranston, creating New England’s largest city. The neighboring towns and cities were not consulted about the proposal, nor were they given any advance warning that they were slated for demolition. After the unveiling, the city council of Pawtucket petitioned to be included in the new city, but was rejected on the grounds that it was “simply not worth it,” according to a spokesman for the Mayor.
Plans for the megalomaniacal undertaking call for the complete demolition of all existing structures within the five municipalities—including Routes 95, 195, 146, 295, 6, and 10, the relocation of several of Providence’s original “seven hills,” and the rerouting of all three rivers. According to representatives for DCW, New Providence will boast a high-end mall twice the size of Providence Place, thousands of luxury high-rise condos upwards of $500,000 per unit, a 20,000 seat soccer stadium, an LNG (liquified natural gas) terminal, the world’s second-tallest building (the tallest is presently under construction in Dubai), a casino, a 14-karat gold mosque, and “several swinging discotheques for to make with the freaking with the ladies.”
Controversy has already erupted over the awarding of contracts to companies involved in this mammoth folly of man’s audacity. Kellogg, Brown, and Root, a subsidiary of Halliburton, Vice President Dick Cheney’s former company, was granted a multi-billion dollar contract to raze the existing towns and cities, and the Saudi Binladen Group, a construction firm with close ties to both the Bush and Saudi Royal Families, and the source of disowned scion Osama Bin Laden’s wealth, has been subcontracted by DCW to handle the actual construction. Critics have cried foul, alleging bribery, kick-backs and unfair bidding. A spokesman for DCW simply shrugged his shoulders and declared, “When in Rome...”
This monumental feat of man’s hubris has already been hailed by President Bush as “the most ambitious public works project in our nation’s history—one that is sure to proceed efficiently, on schedule, within its budget, and entirely free of corruption, and in no way will divert badly needed funding or attention from Gulf Coast disaster relief.” It has already met with strong resistance from municipal governments and citizens alike.
Providence City Council President John Lombardi said in a press conference Friday evening, “They can’t — I don’t — they can’t just...fuck!”
The objections of Providence’s City Council, as well as those of the others cities slated to be swallowed up in this ravenous whirlpool of avarice and grandiosity, are not expected to pose a major hurdle; as of midnight on April 1, they were all permanently dissolved.
Mayor Cicilline, who will voluntarily step down upon completion of the project to make way for celebrity real estate mogul Donald Trump to serve as mayor, sought to allay the fears of Rhode Islanders. He assured the hundreds of thousands of residents to be displaced by the unceasing, lemming-like march of civilization to the precipice of its own destruction that they would be comfortably housed in FEMA trailers on the Narragansett Indian Reservation in Charlestown, “for at least the first couple of months or so.”
Seeking to downplay concerns that current residents will not be able to afford housing in New Providence once the ribbon is cut in 2026, Cicilline said it would not be a problem because “none of them will be invited back. We have literally thousands of wealthy Connecticut insurance executives, disaffected Bostonians, carpet-bagging Arab princes, and Japanese businessmen lining up to buy million-dollar condos like so many Olneyville hot wieners.”
The bulldozers are poised to move in on July 2 of this year, and all residents of the five municipalities are legally required to vacate by midnight the previous day.
There is no word yet on whether the firefighters in New Providence will be granted a contract.
Pavolino Announces “Pave the Bay” Campaign
In response to the “New Providence” redevelopment plan unveiled this week, Providence developer Joe Pavolino announced his new “Pave the Bay” campaign, which seeks to fill in and pave roughly fifteen percent of Narragansett Bay. The project would make room for the parking garages desperately needed to service residents of New Providence. Under the plan, a “Pave the Bay” commission would be formed to oversee the garages; its duties would include maintenance, security, collecting monthly parking fees, and declaring both parking and shell-fishing bans.
Keanu Reeves Prevents Further Expansion of Underground Drainage Tunnel
In the latest setback in the effort to expand the large drainage tunnel underneath Providence—something that will be vital to the viability of New Providence—Keanu Reeves stopped the giant drills used in the construction with a wave of his hand. Long speculated to be “The One” in fulfillment of the Oracle’s prophecy, the actor informed Mayor Cicilline that he will “protect Zion at all costs; it will never fall to the machines.” Flanked by fellow actors Lawrence Fishburne and Carrie-Anne Moss, Reeves apparently was able to bend reality with his mind and cause the drills to cease functioning. He then answered a ringing pay phone nearby and vanished into thin air.
DCW Promises “A Dunkin’ Donuts in Every Home”
Dubai Contractors Worldwide, the firm slated to build an entirely new Providence on top of the existing one, has promised prospective residents of the new city “a Dunkin’ Donuts in every home” by the time of the project’s completion in 2026. Seeking to curry favor with Ocean State residents, known for their intense love of all things Dunkin’ Donuts, DCW has said a “small, but functional” Dunkin’ Donuts satellite shop will be included in the floor plan of every residence in New Providence. There are currently more than 110 such franchises within a three-mile radius of the Dunkin’ Donuts Center. Under the New Providence plan, that number is expected to exceed 12,000.
