Dear Dunkin’ Donuts,
You know how every single hack stand up comic has a bit about how ridiculously overpriced Starbucks is? Oh, sure you do. It’s usually sandwiched in between the bit about how men and women use remote controls differently (“So true!”), and how white people can’t dance (“Oh no he di’int!”). Well, there are two things that comedians can’t mention, and they can’t mention them because it isn’t fucking funny. They can’t say that: a) Starbucks coffee (regular ol’ COFFEE) is cheaper than Dunkin’ Donuts coffee and b) Starbucks coffee is pretty decent, whereas Dunkin’ Donuts coffee tastes like a used colostomy bag.
Now, I know it’s tough to be good when you are big. The best coffee in Providence is White Electric and Coffee Exchange. Both small, awesome, independent coffee shops with righteous coffee and specialty drinks. D and D can’t be that good because you could never make your franchisees care the way small business owners care. That having been said, is there any reason you have to suck so bad? I mean, things like coffee aren’t supposed to taste like jail cell tossed salad. (Yeah, I said it. I’m grossed out too. Hey, you’re the douchebags that call it a “Box o’Joe”.)
You see, as near as I can tell, when you are as ubiquitous as Dunkin’ Donuts is, you have a responsibility to be tolerable. But you just can’t seem to live up to that responsibility. Instead you’ve employed devilish little tricks to confuse the consumer into liking your (substandard) product, and I’m here to call shenanigans on it. A regular coffee does NOT have as much sugar as a can of Coke! Shenanigans! You’ve done that to mask the taste of your coffee, and I don’t care for it, not one bit. I have a great idea…you know what would be good? Try making a coffee that doesn’t taste like nail polish remover one out of three cups. Don’t look so surprised, Dunkin’ Donuts; anyone who drinks your coffee regularly knows exactly what I’m talking about. I end up drinking your coffee regularly because I’ve lost a battle of attrition with you… There are D&D’s in Wal-Mart! Bonanza Bus terminal! The grocery store! WTF!?!
Please stop building Dunkin’ Donuts. Not because I hate you. I don’t. It’s just that everyone in this city at one time or another has to give directions, and man is it depressing. “Go down Hope Street, pass a Dunkin’, Get onto Thayer, pass a Dunkin’, then go right on Angell Street, my apartment is on the third floor above a Dunkin’, next to a Honey Dew, across from Tim Horton’s.” Obesity is a problem in America? No shit! Instead of “America Runs On Dunkin’” as a catch phrase, why not “America Waddles its Fat Ass Vaguely in the Direction of Dunkin’”? I’ll admit, it wouldn’t sell as much, but man, imagine the publicity!
A few final remarks:
- I don’t like that some franchises don’t “allow” tipping. I’ll tip whenever the hell I wish, thank you. Until everyone in this state makes a living wage, tipping is the only chance many of us have.
- Remember when you guys started making paninis? That shit was hysterical. McDonald’s pizza was better.
- Soy creamer. For free. Every location. (You too, Starbucks. 40 cents extra my ass.)
- Inside Home Depot? Really? Even you guys have to be thinking this is getting a little out of hand.
So Dunkin’ Donuts, with a lot of hard work, you might make your coffee taste good. I’m sure that’s right there on the list of priorities, with Number One no doubt being, “Let’s get a Dunkin’ Donuts in every elementary school in R.I.”.
Chili’s fucking sucks,
Jef Choice
