My partner and I have been interested in anal sex. We tried it once, but it was very painful. Any advice?
– Dirty Penny
Anal sex should not be painful, but if you go at it without taking the proper steps that’s often what happens. The anal area is loaded with thousands of pleasurable nerve endings, so it is definitely an area worth exploring. The first, most important part of exploring anal sex is a desire to do so. The second is lubrication. The third is more lubrication. Anal sex takes time, practice, and patience. There are some very good books available to help you along the way. One that I especially like is “The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women” by Tristan Taormino, who is considered the go-to girl on anal sex for women. If you don’t have the patience to sit down and read (though we recommend that you try!) she also has two videos by the same name. Learn as much as you can about the subject and about your body; it wouldn’t hurt to take a mirror and look at your lovely rosebud.
Practice relaxing your sphincter muscles. When you are with your partner you can begin with plenty of foreplay; you want to be as excited as possible! Have your partner massage lubrication around the anal area. We tend to recommend two types of lubrication that are fabulous for anal play; Maximus and Eros. Maximus is a thick water-based lubrication and Eros is a silicone lubrication. They are both thick and long lasting but they feel completely different so it’s best to figure out which one you like best. An anal massage will bring the blood flow closer to the surface, making the whole area more relaxed and receptive to penetration. And, of course, add more lube! When the sphincter muscles are ready, the anus will “wink” at you to let you know. Have your partner slip a finger in, just past the sphincter muscles. If there is significant resistance or if it hurts, return to external massage and try again in a few minutes. While the outer sphincter muscle is voluntary, the inner sphincter muscle is involuntary, which is why the area needs to be relaxed in order for penetration to feel good. If you own a clitoris, you could also try using a vibrator while there is something stimulating your anal area; it helps the arousal and all around relaxation. Once you feel comfortable with one finger, you can have your partner slip another finger inside or then maybe a slim butt plug or a small dildo, adding lube as you go. Any toys that you use anally must have a flared base! You don’t want something to accidentally slip in all the way, and don’t think it couldn’t happen to you! Every year thousands of people make bad anal choices and end up in the hospital. Continue adding fingers and lube and toys; you may be ready right away, or it may take a few sessions before you’re ready to accept an actual penis. A word of wisdom: never use a product that is meant to desensitize or numb the area. You need to know if it hurts, because if it hurts, something isn’t right and you should stop. The tissue in your anal area is very thin and could easily be torn. It is also important that you and your partner keep in communication during anal sex for the same reason. If it starts to hurt, slow down or stop and try again another time!
This is a very brief overview. For more info read the book or watch the video. There is so much more pleasure awaiting this exploration!
I also like to suggest that your partner be willing to be on the receiving end; especially if he’s a male as he has a prostate and boy oh boy, is it a wonderful thing to have stimulated! Lastly, remember that Miko not only carries all these great toys for anal play, but we also teach classes on Back Door Lovin’! Call us and find out what fabulous things you wish your High School Sex Ed teacher talked to you about!
Send your questions to askmiko@agendanation.net.
