The Agenda

by Ted Rao

IN THIS ISSUE: PROVIDENCE DRIVES WHILE WHITE.

(Actual dialogue between myself and the cop who pulled me over last week on Valley Street while I was driving my truck with: 1. no front plate, 2. a busted headlight, 3. no inspection sticker, 4. an expired license, 5. expired insurance, and 6. no plausible exhaust system to speak of.)

Cop: How are you doing today?

Providence: Fine officer, how are you?

Cop: Good. Listen, the reason I pulled you over was because I saw you pass by me on River Ave. with no front plate and no headlight.

Providence: (feigning look of deep concern) I have... a headlight out?

Cop: Yep. And no plate.

Providence: (shaking head as if bewildered and disappointed in myself) I...can't believe it...Do you mind if I step out of the truck and have a look?

Cop: Not at all.

Providence: (stepping out of the truck and having a look) Jesus, when did this happen? I had no idea. I mean...

Cop: Hey, just lettin' you know. You do need to get a front plate, too.

Providence: (furrowing brow and biting bottom lip like Bill Clinton) Well you see, officer, I always thought that trucks didn't require a front plate....

Cop: Well, yeah they do, so you might want to get that taken care of when you get a chance. Where are you coming from, work? (note: I felt like saying "Work? What's that?")

Providence: No, my grandmother's house, at (actual address confidential). (Note: this was NOT a lie; I am a good grandson.)

Cop: Oh, at (actual address confidential)? OK. Well let me just see your license and registration.

Providence: (starting to actually get concerned that I might not make it out of this) Sure...(pretending to look for license) Aww shit...I think I left my wallet at home, officer. (Looking at officer with deep concern, lip-biting still in full effect) But my registration is right here (going into glove box, and NOT finding registration) umm...I know that I have my registration somewhere (ruffling around garbage and stacks of newspapers).

Cop: OK, OK...what's your name?

Providence: Edward Rao, license number XXXXXXX, sir.

Cop: OK, Edward, you just sit right here and I'll be with you in a minute.

(Exactly one minute later...)

Cop: OK Ed, you're all set. Just get that headlight and plate fixed, OK?

Providence: (Deflating, yet still in full Bill Clinton mode) Well I certainly will, officer. Thanks for letting me know about this.

Cop: (Patting me on the shoulder) You got it, Ed. Have a good night.

Anyhow, on with the questions.

What the hell does "What Cheer" mean? - Bill Machon
"What Cheer," which adorns the seal of the City of Providence, is named for a Native American greeting used in modern Rhode Island in the 1600s. In 1636, Roger Williams, who left Salem, Massachusetts to seek religious independence and wound up founding Rhode Island, landed at what is now modern-day Providence and was greeted by Narragansett Native Americans with "What Cheer, Netop". Netop was the Narragansett word for friend, and What Cheer was an old English greeting brought to New England by English settlers. Over time, the story of Williams' welcome was absorbed into the legend of Providence.

When the future town of What Cheer, Iowa was founded, it was named Petersbug for Peter Britton, the settlement's founder. The What Cheer story and name was brought to Iowa in 1864 by Providence native Joseph Andrews, who had been a Major in the Civil War. Andrews offered the name of What Cheer for a post office in the town in 1866. Petersburg was officially renamed What Cheer on December 1, 1879. Locally, the name is pronounced "whuhCHEER."

Hey Tediffer, is it true that there was once a hitman who operated on Federal Hill? More precisely, did this hitman strip down to a sleeveless undershirt, socks and underwear, before slitting the throat of his victims? This may seem vague, but I distinctly remember hearing about an eccentric killer who was adamantly opposed to getting blood on his clothes. - Ryan Fitzpatrick
I cannot believe that you know about that guy. Yes it's true. Ernie "Broke Dick" Giovanno was a mid-level soldier in Raymond L.S. Patriarca's New England Crime Family throughout the 1950s and early '60s. His nickname came from associates who, noting his constant state of impeccable dress, noted that he looked "cleaner than a broke-dick dog." So much so, in fact, that whenever his hits involved the kind of choking-with-a-wire or slitting-of-the-throat that would occasionally go down back in those days, Broke Dick insisted on removing his jacket, pants, shirt, and tie before carrying out his business. Now you ask, "Yeah but once this reputation got out, wouldn't potential victims start to realize what was up once Broke Dick started to undress?" Well, you'd think so, but that was the beauty of Broke Dick: he never killed in public, always at the victim's home. He would generally excuse himself to the restroom, undress, and come flying out after the guy. One time, a planned killing on Depasquale Street went awry, sending a half-naked Broke Dick running down the street after associate Joey "The Kid" Amico, who was finally finally shot in the back just before the intersection at Atwells Avenue. Broke Dick eventually died in federal prison of respiratory failure in 1978. So that's that.

What are they planning to do with the old police station on Empire Street? - Cynthia Reed
There has been a great deal of speculation over what the city wants to do with the old police station...until recently. Thankfully, the call for affordable loft spaces in the downtown area is being answered by plans to renovate the old police and fire station into affordable live/work spaces for local artists and performers. The renovation, which is scheduled to begin in early May, will produce a total of 33 units, complete with inclusionary zoning variances which would mandate affordable rental units. This completes Mayor David Cicilline's vision of the Empire Street area of downtown becoming what he has referred to in speeches as Providence's "hub of all things artistic." For more information, contact the mayor's office at 401-421-7740.

I got a question for ya: that old bridge behind Eastside Marketplace... why the hell doesn't the city tear that thing down? - Bill Machon
Because it's historic. That "old bridge," as you call it, actually marks the place where General George Washington's army, in pursuit of the retreating British, first crossed the Seekonk River over to what is now known as East Providence. A commemorative plaque used to stand at the bridge's entrance, but was torn down by vandals about ten years ago-the same vandals, I might add, who claimed to dig up H.P. Lovecraft's skull. I swear, someone's gotta get those fuckers one of these days.

Please respond to this statement: "Dating is dead in Providence." - Jillette

My response: yes, dating is indeed dead.

But fucking is alive and well.

Thank you! You people have been great; I'll be here all week.

How did "The Millionaire" make his fortune, and where is he now? - Brian Oakley

His dad invented the label maker. That's right, Michael Cudahy, a.k.a. "The Millionaire," who first gained notoriety in the early '80s with his band Christmas, who were signed to IRS Records and toured with R.E.M., and who later single-handedly revamped swinger-cocktail-lounge music for an entire generation of indie rock fans with the mighty Combustible Edison, got his money from a trust fund set up by his dad, who invented and later patented the labelmaker, a.k.a. "that thing that would produce a small thin red or black adhesive plastic with letters punched into it which wouldn't stick to anything longer than five seconds." Using that money, Cudahy and bandmate Liz Cox proceeded to revamp '60s swinging and schmaltz for the 21^st Century jetset with albums such as I, Swinger and The Impossible World. Currently, Cudahy lives in Santa Monica, California. He works as a freelance songwriter and has contributed to numerous modern pop hits, most notably "Since You've Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson. Way to go, Mike.

OK, That's it for now. But I just love More "Top Ten Providence Bands of All Time" lists. Special thanks to Liam Gray for his extensive and hilarious elucidation. So exciting! Thank you very much! Send in your own at iamprov@gmail.com.

Liam Gray:

10. Skinned Alive

These guys were just brutal and blistering. Metal.

9. Double Nuthins

All the rock. All of it. Ted was no longer the dorky kid who loved Van Halen - He was now the guy who would put all those years of playing "Eruption" to work for him and just fuckin' shred some straight up rock and roll. Also: He wore sunglasses.

8. Boneyard

I was 14 when I first saw Boneyard at the Rocket. They were opening for D.I. and Gail claimed she had a photo of the band stapled to her crotch. To 14-year old Liam, this was the best concept ever.

7. Würst

Rob. Fucking. Phelps.

6. Verbal Assault

The only big-time posi-hardcore band to come out of Rhode Island, Verbal Assault were mighty contenders.

5. The Mole People

Who knew that Jack Hanlon had such a great snotty voice? Their cover of "Hybrid Moments" was just fantastic. They had a zillion awesome songs that were never released. I still want a Mole People LP dammit.

4. Von Ryan's Express

Some lame preppy girl in one of my college classes was always bragging about her friend's band. She talked me into going to see them and I was blown away. A few weeks later they played at WRIU on Jackie Bascom's live show. When I saw them setup their large light-up VON sign to play ON THE RADIO, I knew I was in love.

3. Neutral Nation

This is what it sounds like to be a teenage punk rocker in the late '80s. The best So-Cal punk ever created in New England. Show me a person who doesn't think "Streets" is one of the best songs ever and I will show you an asshole.

2. Thee Hydrogen Terrors

Guy Benoit mows you down with an off-key saxophone. I could describe these guys to you and they would seem like any other mediocre Fort Thunder sort of artsy-fartsy affair, but Thee Hydrogen Terrors were so much more. They weren't just a great Providence band, they were a GREAT BAND. I was blown away every time I saw them.

1. The F.I.D.'s

One of my greatest joys is stupid No-Cal punk bands like Sewer Trout, Captain 9's, Pounded Clown, Schlong, etc. The FID's were pretty much the only example of that we ever had in Providence. Mark's ability to take stupid lyrics and mediocre music to the next level always amazed me. They may not be a "good" band, but I think they are the "best" band.

So I finished my list and I just realized that I totally forgot Dropdead. If it were not for them I would never have known that in the United States alone an animal is killed every six seconds in the name of scientific experimentation. It's up to you and [me] to put a stop to it, its up to you and I to make a change, it's up to you and [me] to LIBERATE!!! (Ted: Dun-dun-dun-dundundundun!!!!!)

Bill Machon:

10. Pistolwhip

9. Royal Crowns

8. Purple Ivy Shadows

7. small factory

6. Six Finger Satellite

5. Velvet Crush

4. Pollenate

3. The Laurels

2. Thee Hydrogen Terrors

1. Talking Heads (I'm sorry, but the Talking Heads, although formed in Providence, were really a New York band. -Ted)

Jeff Degenerate:

11. Shotgun Flu-(for their entertainment value)

10. Victim

9. Arson Family

8. Reckless Radio

7. Midnight Creeps

6. Nowhere Fast

5. The Degenerates

4. Brooklyn Steamer

3. South of Providence

2. Gringo

1. Violent Anal Death

Darren Johnson:

10. Hya K'cha

9. Six Finger Satellite

8. V for Vendetta

7. The Laurels

6. Lightning Bolt

5. small factory

4. Double Nuthins

3. Throwing Muses

2. Thee Hydrogen Terrors

1. Neutral Nation

Frank Difficult's Top Ten List of Providence Bands featuring Frank Difficult.

(ranked in order of Difficulty)

1. V. Majestic (the official word is that we have not broken up, but like some Lovecraftian beast "we wait dreaming")
2. Barnacled (also not dead yet - beware)
3. The Robert Jazz Quartet (technically the same group as V.Majestic, but included to pad out the list)
4. Alec K. Redfearn and the Eyesores (only played on a few recordings and a few shows, but somehow I wound up in many press photos. My refusal to ever practice kept my involvement to a minimum)
5. The Amoebic Ensemble (I never played with them live, but somehow appeared on the albums)
6. The Bunyans (a supergroup; the Emerson, Lake and Palmer of Providence, or precisely "Benoit, Cook, Difficult and Redfearn")
7. The United Space Rock Coalition (played only one show ... but it lasted 12 hours, motherfuckers! Anyone want go for 24?)
8. Septimania (technically not a band, just whoever gets pulled into Jonathan Thomas's vortex of weirdness - a new album coming soon)
9. Lemon Mustache (another supergroup this time featuring Chris Cook and Jed Marshall. Played one song only - a mini-rock opera that sounded like Led Zeppelin with two John Paul Jones)
10. Mahi Mahi (I only did some treatments on their first album which I mixed, but I include them so I can keep my name associated to the coolest band in town)
I could have also included Kittens, The Silver Cthulhus, Penile Fracture and Franntastic!
For the sake of fairness, here are some worthy bands I was not in: Thee Hydrogen Terrors, Lightning Bolt, Combustible Edison, EBN, Flower Gang, Forcefield, Drop Dead, Boss Fuel, Velvet Crush, Major Hemisphere, Plymouth Rock, The Golden Touch, and the Double Nuthins.

Lee Berman's top ten list of bands whose members work at places I frequent. I'm not sayin' nuthin' but I just name checked your band. Remember that next time you see me.
Snake Apartment (Julian's)
Drop Dead (Armageddon)
Athletic Automaton (Trinity Brew House)
Sleazies (Decatur Lounge)
Tastic (Taqueria Pacifica)
Butcherings (B Sharp)
Fourhorse (Trinity Brew House)
Sweetthieves (B Sharp)
Made In Mexico (Red Fez)
Ur Dog (Stereo Discount Center)

ALSO, Here is Bill Machon's Revision, since I complained to him that he couldn't use Talking Heads

Thee Hydrogen Terrors
The Laurels
Pollenate
Six Finger Satellite
Small Factory
Velvet Crush
Purple Ivy Shadows
Royal Crowns
Pistolwhip
Larry Marshall