The Agenda

by: Lee Berman

If you charged for mustache rides on a sliding scale, what would be the criteria for that scale? -WP

How could I calculate anything out on a sliding scale? Wouldn't it have to stay put long enough for me to figure out a rate? Is this a sexual question? My father told me that one day I would have sex, and that I would enjoy it-but having somebody even as fit as yourself sit on my face sounds painful. Wouldn't you crush my head, or at the very least suffocate me? Is that what people do for a good time these days? Why would I let you ride my moustache? It seems a little small for you. Wouldn't you like a good old- fashioned piggyback ride? I would love to give you an answer but am totally perplexed. Talk to me after class and we'll see if we can't figure this out.

Currently, I only own 17 but I'd like to go on record to say that I also own other styles of shirts. Why don't you ask me about how many t-shirts I own? You may be fascinated to discover that I own almost as many as plaid shirts. And I'm not necessarily a plaid whore, it's just that most button down shirts are plaid. If you'd like to help me find an alternative, I'd be tickled pink to have a fashion consultant. Thanks for asking.

OK, so, I'm a big fan of guys with curly hair but have you ever considered having your hair chemically straightened? -Karen Vierra

No, but I am letting genetics slowly thin my hair out. Why didn't you tell me about your love of curly hair before you moved out of town? I would have started growing it out again.

Does Lee Berman participate in any sporting activities? If so, which ones, and rank them. -Renee Bessette

I'm an active participant in the watching of baseball and have been known to "get into it". Other than that, I maintained probably the worst fielding average in the entire Providence Kickball League last season. I am not embarrassed by this statistic however.

Could you chronicle the hair styles of Lee Berman over the years? -Renee Bessette

As a youth, my hair style was carefully coiffed by Sully the Barber in Franklin, Massachusetts. (He claimed to be Sicilian but years later I found out that this was a falsehood.) With the discovery of punk rock and a driver's license, this neat and tidy hairstyle went the way of public healthcare. Slowly but surely, my curly locks reached down below my shoulders by the time I entered college. Then, in a fit of boredom, I separated every hair in every curl on a humid summer's day. That created what I termed "accidental dreads" that were some of the worst ones you may have ever had the misfortune of sitting next to on a bus. It was like a mullet: dreads in the back, curls on the top. Eventually these were cut off and the long hair returned. Most of the time it was kept in a ponytail and through the kindness of my close friends, they maintained an air of "that's cool". Little did I know that I was really sporting the Jewish man's mullet. It took me several years after having it all cut off that I accepted this. Now I focus more on my facial hair than the top of my head. I think I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that the wave of the future is my face and not my dome. I'm currently working on a biography that will answer questions like this in more depth. The working title as of now is "Parting Ways: One Man's Journey Though His Hair".

Was Lee Berman birthed or did he hatch from a pod as a grown-up boy? -RSB

I burst upon the scene in the same manner that I burst forth from my mother, a mess.

What's your favorite drink? -Claudia Crevier

Whatever you're buying.

Have you ever dressed in drag? -Claudia Crevier

Somebody once described my wardrobe as a "bummer". Is that what you mean?

What makes me so wonderful? -Lee Berman

Well, Lee, I'm glad I asked me that. I'm the type of guy that will see that you arrive home safely, never ask you to buy me beer or borrow money for said drink when I have no way to pay you back (that would be irresponsible, wouldn't it?), and listen closely to every word you have to say even if I don't want to listen to you. I never gossip either. I have enough secrets on enough of you motherfuckers to own this town but I'm tight-lipped, a virtual vault of dirty laundry. Don't cross me, I'll make you cry. How's that for wonderful? Next question.

What's your most embarrassing moment? -CC

Opening up The Agenda and seeing these questions truthfully answered but that's only today's most embarrassing moment.

As sole proprietor of The Agenda, what are your plans for the future? - A Worried Agenda Staff Member

Well, I'm glad you asked. I plan to lay all of you off and cover more important matters such as myself. You can look forward to such advice columns as "Dearlee Beloved," "Smartlee Dressed" and "Wiselee Done." Award winning coverage of my every move will be made by a new street team consisting of myself and maybe a mirror. The Belo Corporation has offered valuable assistance in this transitional phase. Your asses are grass. Be warned, there will be no pink slips coming.

How many white Chocolate Reese's Peanut Butter Cups have you ever eaten at one time?-Brian Oakley

I ate a case of 50 (each individual package consists of two peanut butter cups) in one afternoon. That equals 100 individual, delicious peanut butter cups. I still have a standing challenge to anybody who would like to take me on for that record.