The Agenda

By Ted Rao

The "Greatest Spin-Doctor in Providence" award must surely go to Providence Public Library Director Dale Thompson. Thompson, famous for her branch "restructuring" program last year, a term which served as an umbrella for such other niceties such as "layoffs," "union-busting," and "administrative pay-raises," recently wrote the oh-so-rosiest of letters-to-the-editor to the Providence Journal last Monday. In a piece of spin that would make Scott McClellan salivate, Thompson thanked city officials such as Mayor David Cicilline and City Council Majority Leader Luis Aponte, for their "tremendous and immediate outpouring of support" in closing the Washington Park Branch on Broad Street. Roof and structural damage were cited as the reasons for the branch's closing, which is understandable. Yet the Library Administrators gave a scant three-day notice of the branch's closing, which hardly gives the branch employees, residents of the community, and above all city officials enough time to digest this news, much less prepare for alternative plans for themselves and their children that rely on the services that the branch provides. This is a branch that circulated 17,400 materials last year, including 13,200 books. Patrons logged onto computers 10,450 times. And yet, these patrons were given only three days' notice of its closing. The point? Cicilline and Aponte's "tremendous and immediate outpouring of support" surely came only as a result of being railroaded into a situation in which they had little to no foreknowledge and thus were powerless to do anything about it. Yet her letter makes it seem as if she, in her infinite wisdom, descended from Library Heaven, fully ordained with the knowledge and benevolence for which we should be eternally grateful. Rubbish! Pish-Paw! Pish-Posh-Peter-Tosh!

Fortunately, thanks to Councilman Aponte, who represents that ward, The Washington Park Foundation will be able to be used for certain library projects such as after school and early literacy programs while a new location is being found. Yet the mismanagement of the institution as a whole needs to be addressed, and fast. Bottom line: This woman needs to go, or at least be strongly reminded that she is a public servant, not an autocratic dictator. As was echoed by numerous city council members earlier this month, there needs to be better representation on the library's Board of Trustees from the city and its residents, from which the library receives three million dollars a year, equalling one-third of its total funding. Clearly, the needs and concerns of the community are not be met by holding the occasional public meeting. There needs to be open spots on the Board of Trustees for city officials and residents to voice their opinions and cast an actual vote. Did I mention that she makes more than the Governor of Rhode Fucking Island?! Under her leadership (sic), what was once a heartwarming and wonderful institution that every resident could be proud of has degenerated into an environment of suspicion and mistrust, fraught with attempts at union-busting, downsizing, and physical restructuring of some of the most beautiful aspects of these historic buildings. The changing of the Central Library's primary collection into a "popular titles" branch only serves as a grand analogy for the dumbing-down that the library has experienced during her tenure. Perhaps the Washington Park Branch could have been renovated properly, had the library not been spending so much of its money hiring anti-union consultants to combat the employees' wishes to organize, which they were thankfully able to do in spite of Thompson's efforts. Dammit, I'm so upset that I could ... kick a squirrel, if only I could catch the sneaky motherfuckers! At least Cynthia Reed still works there. By the way Cyn, if you're reading this; well, I'd rather not say it out loud, but maybe I could put it to you in a special kind of ... code. "DELETE OVERDUE FINES NOW." There, that's sufficiently cryptic. Onward.

 

How and where did Trixie the Polar Bear expire? - Lori Ann Stone

Trixie, the polar bear who was born in captivity and had resided at the Roger Williams Park Zoo since 1989, died at the zoo on May 2nd, 2005, as she was being prepared to be moved to the Indianapolis Zoo and Gardens, to be reunited with two of the four cubs she gave birth to during her lifetime. Yet as she was being put under sedation for the trip, she died suddenly. Boom. Just like that. The zoo's staff soon performed a necropsy-a type of animal autopsy-that yielded no clues as to the reason of her sudden death. The zoo's staff were stunned. The odd thing is that Trixie was in seemingly perfect health, which makes her sudden demise kind of a mystery, if you ask me, which you did. Yet I don't suspect foul play. I dunno, I guess if someone wanted to relocate me to Indiana from Providence, I'd at least feign a heart attack to keep it from happening. The Midwest ... corn, flat land, weird, near-perfect grammar ... freaks me the fuck out.

I'm curious if you knew what those strange rock sculptures were that are found on the East Side. They are generally rectangular with a large circle in the middle. There is one near the corner of John and Brook and one on the corner of Governor and Pitman. Are they portals to other dimensions? Early American jungle gyms? Lazy tunnels? - Brian Oakley

Lazy Tunnels? Sounds like the newest addition to the Corleone Records catalog. I'll bet they sound a little like "BBLLLARRRR BLLLARRRR CRASHHH CRASH!!! PISSEDPISSED!!!!! RRRROOOAAARRRR!!!!!" Yeah. Anyway, the rock sculptures are ... (drum roll) OLD SIDEWALKS! And the circle in the middle is ... A MANHOLE! How about that? They harken back to the days when Providence's sidewalks were made of granite instead of concrete. I'm not exactly sure when that changed, or when they were put up, but that's definitely what they are. My esteemed publisher and I were standing in front of the Governor Street location, scratching our heads wondering exactly what it was, when this union pipe-fitter guy pointed to it and said "It's a manhole. From a sidewalk." It was as if he had parted the Red Sea in front of our eyes. We seriously almost kissed him on the mouth. But took his picture instead.

 

Do you know how Alan Shawn Feinstein made his fortune? Is there any truth to the accusation that he amassed his wealth from bunk mail order scams to people of our grandparents' generation? Cheers. - Penny

Alan Shawn Feinstein actually engaged in a mass-media blitz to convince the entire state that he was some kind of philanthropist. In all actuality, he lives in a two-bedroom apartment on Public Street in Providence's South Side and takes great enjoyment in the number of people he's been able to bullshit into writing his inane quotes about ending hunger and becoming smart on the sides of buildings.

Okay, that's not true. Yes, mailorder is indeed how Feinstein made his millions, but I wouldn't necessarily call it a scam. Raised in Dorchester, Massachusetts, Feinstein studied economics and journalism at Boston University, and later worked as a schoolteacher. He published a novel before moving to his wife's homeland in Bangkok, Thailand. The couple relocated with their children to Rhode Island in 1968, and in the 1970s he began a career in direct mailorder, publishing small books and pamphlets titled How To Get Rich in Mail Order and The Greatest Direct Mail Newsletter. He would purchase names and addresses for about $50 per thousand names, eventually amassing several million potential customers, to whom he would sell collectibles in his publications such as The Wealth Maker and International Insider's Report.

Years later, Feinstein began his work in philanthropy, first by offering $1 Million to Brown University in 1985 to fight hunger, or "hun-gah," as Feinstein pronounces it. A few years later, when the Viking Orbiter Mission had picked up a picture of rock formations on the surface of Mars, there was wide speculation that the formations, which resembled a face, were made by extraterrestrials, thus showing evidence of life on the planet. Feinstein was intrigued, and went about making a commemorative stamp, working a deal with the government of Sierra Leone, who agreed to put its country's name on Feinstein's 1990 "Face on Mars" stamp for a fee. Feinstein sold the stamp sets through mailorder for $135, pitching the set as a collectible that could potentially explode in value once life was discovered on the Red Planet. Feinstein won't say exactly how much he made on the Sierra Leone stamp, but concedes that he made "a great deal of money," so reported the Providence Journal last year. With that money, he started the Feinstein Foundation, left the newsletter business altogether in 1996, and has since been able to raise some $250 Million through his various organizations. Now, there is some degree of controversy regarding this Mars-Stamp business, since reputed stamp-collecting authorities have commented that the "Face on Mars" set is essentially worthless. Moreover, Feinstein is notoriously reluctant to discuss how he amassed his fortune most of the time, since direct mailorder does have a certain negative connotation to it. But whatever. He probably does more good deeds before nine a.m. than most of us do all year, so God bless 'im. But damn, is he obsessed with writing those quotes on the sides of buildings or what? And that accent! That shit could scare Ted Kennedy away!

 

Is there talk of lifting the overnight parking ban in Providence? - Winsor P.

Holy Shit, is there??!! Well, according to my source at City Planning, there is, but before I get into that, let me talk about how the existing overnight parking law has changed.

Up until recently, the law was that on-street parking was banned between the hours of 1 a.m. and 7 a.m. The police protocol was to spot the car, and eventually ticket it if the vehicle was still present two hours later. Seems kind of silly. So recently the law was changed to simplify the process a bit. Now, on-street parking is only illegal between 3 and 6 a.m., but an officer on patrol only has to spot your car once, rather than have to wait to see if you're still there two hours later. This seems more reasonable, and certainly less redundant. Yet for some reason, the tags still say 1 a.m. to 7 a.m.. I know, since I get tagged about once every two days. But apparently, that's the new rule, Providence's ever-present vagary (vague-iosity? vague-erence?) [Vagueness. -Ed.] notwithstanding.

Anyhow, regarding plans for on-street overnight parking, a pilot program is in the works in the Washington Park section of town which would allow residents to purchase a $25 sticker enabling them to park their car legally overnight. City Planning hopes that this program will take effect by April of this year. Eventually, other neighborhoods will be added in, one of which will be in the West Broadway area, and possibly the Hartford and South Side neighborhoods as well. There are structural concerns, such as installing signs on streets, that make the need for incrementalism more apparent when you think of it. The program will run until June 30th, 2007, the end of the city's fiscal year, at which time it will be reviewed. So there. You heard it here first. So long as you don't read the Phoenix. Shit. By the way, what the hell will Judge Caprio do with himself when there are no parking tickets? For that matter, what will the city do for revenue? Maybe a nice property tax increase. We haven't tried that one in a while.

 

Could you please tell me about the huge abandoned house that sits diagonally across from Julian's Restaurant on Broadway near the corner of Vinton Street? - Melanie Fuest

At 299 Broadway sits (or rests, rather) The J. B. Barnaby House, which many feel to be the most impressive mansion on the street, and the one most people I know would like to get a look inside of. First constructed in 1875, this elaborate 2 ½ story mansion was later enlarged in 1885 with the addition of a four-story, twelve-sided tower featuring a conservatory and stained glass. The building is a great example of "stick-style" architecture, The building's initial owner, J. B. Barnaby, owned one of the largest ready-to-wear stores in the world at the time, in a building that still stands at 180-204 Dorrance Street downtown. He also ran for Governor of Rhode Island in 1877 and was a prominent figure in the National Democratic Committee, but remember, that's when the Democrats were the bad guys, at least in my book (publication date: 2010). Yet the story really gets juicy in 1889, when Barnaby's wife was poisoned by her doctor, who sent her a bottle of whiskey that was laced with arsenic. A nationally renowned murder trial ensued, which spawned a book entitled Death in the Mail. Damn. Anyhow, after Barnaby, the house was purchased by Mr. Charles Eddy, a prominent manufacturer and street namer-after. Thanks to the Providence Preservation Society for help with this one.

Okay, that's it for this issue. Yet before I go, I am happy to point out that two of Providence's musical luminaries, Mr. Jack McKenna of Backwash, Mother Jefferson, and the Swank fame, and the one-and-only Mark Stone, from the mighty Medicine Ball, recently offered me their Top Ten Favorite Providence Bands of All Time lists, and I couldn't be more pleased. "Catch 'em while they're drunk" seems to be a modus op that has served me well. Thanks again, and remember to e-mail your questions (or anything else) at iamprov@gmail.com.

Jack McKenna:
10. The Masons
9. Plymouth Rock
8. Velvet Crush
7. Electric Blanket
6. Boss Fuel
5. small factory
4. Thee Hydrogen Terrors
3. Coat of Arms
2. Scarce (with Jud Ehrbar)
1. Medicine Ball (with Pete Phillips)

Mark Stone (note: list is based solely on strength of recorded output):
10. Yuhboys
9. Rash of Stabbings
8. Von Ryan's Express
7. The Amoebic Ensemble
6. Coat of Arms
5. small factory
4. Plan 9
3. Combustible Edison
2. Medicine Ball
1. Velvet Crush

Honorable Mention: The Probers, Ashley Von Hurter & The Haters, Backwash, The Masons, The Delinquents

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