The Agenda

By Ted Rao

The
"Greatest Spin-Doctor in Providence" award must surely go to Providence Public
Library Director Dale Thompson. Thompson, famous for her branch "restructuring"
program last year, a term which served as an umbrella for such other niceties
such as "layoffs," "union-busting," and "administrative pay-raises," recently
wrote the oh-so-rosiest of letters-to-the-editor to the Providence Journal last Monday. In a piece of spin that would make
Scott McClellan salivate, Thompson thanked city officials such as Mayor David
Cicilline and City Council Majority Leader Luis Aponte, for their "tremendous
and immediate outpouring of support" in closing the Washington Park Branch on
Broad Street.

By Dave Fischer

[Note: This article originally appeared in The Agenda #15]

Every rumor of another movie about the
early punk scene is met with trepidation by the fans of that period. Every time
we hear about another film project covering the life of Darby Crash, we hear a
chorus of moans from the ranks of the obsessed. It was a period of high drama
and embarrassing excess, and every survivor seems to be a mental case with an
arsenal of axes to grind.

[Note: This letter was originally published in The Agenda #15]

Dear President Bush,

So I guess it's official, Samuel Alito is
your man for the Supreme Court. OK. That's your prerogative, I guess. I mean, I
don't want to tell you how to do your job here, but I just thought ... well, I
don't know, I kind of thought that maybe after the whole Harriet Miers thing
didn't work out that you would ... I don't know, kind of look my way. I'm not
saying that I necessarily expected the nomination per se, but I just
feel like it would have been nice to know that you at least gave it some
thought, that maybe I stood a chance. The least you could have done was give me
a little heads up so I didn't have to find out from the media. That's not too
much to ask, is it?

by
John Taraborelli

What
is this? Look at this. What is this? A hot dog. Ah yes, a hot dog. Maybe you want it; maybe you don't. What difference does
it make? What does this hot dog represent? A meal? Maybe. A snack? Perhaps. An opportunity? Yes. You're not going to be
swayed away from eating this delicious hot dog-by what? By a bullshit, middle
class morality that tells you what to eat and when?

by Matthew Everett

[Note: This article first appeared in The Agenda #15]

Psychic geography is a psychic ability to examine the
interaction between spaces and people, and also a way of thinking about those
spaces and people, in which it is assumed that the space has the upper hand and
a desire to confound, betray, or destroy the people who inhabit it. Thus, the
culprit of any crime is the space in which it took place (and possibly, by
association, the people who designed that space).

The U.S. and Iran Show Their True Colors—And They're Not a Rainbow

by John Taraborelli

[Note: This article first appeared in The Agenda #15]

As tensions mount over Iran's nuclear ambitions and Sudan's President
Bashir is denied his seat at the African Union's rotating presidency due to his
regime's perceived complicity in the genocide in Darfur, it is reassuring to to
see a brief moment of unity in increasingly unstable international relations.
On January 26, the New York Times
reported on a vote in the United Nations that demonstrated rare solidarity
between the United States, Iran, Sudan,
Zimbabwe and Cuba. Perhaps
this is a sign that all hope is not lost for peace and cooperation between
these disparate and often contentious nations.

William Wood a.k.a. Loud Billy, a.k.a. The Mayor: Future mayor

Age: 1 score and 8 years
Zodiac sign: Scorpio
Occupation: Receptionist, Federal Hill Tattoo

What did you hope to accomplish by 28?
You don't get to a lofty position like mine by planning ahead, but here's some stuff I tried to do:
-Bristol Community College: Dropped out.

Kevin Patrick Leavitt: Lost in a man forest

Age: 30
Zodiac sign: Pisces
Occupation: Retail Clerk

What did you hope to accomplish by 30?
To finally have that mysterious lump removed from my back.

What have you actually accomplished?
I watched the first season of Battlestar Galactica in one night

Most embarrassing moment

Aaron Thomas: The champagne of assholes

Age: 27
Zodiac sign: Scorpio
Occupation: Jerky’s DJ, guitarist for The Honeymoon’s Over

What did you hope to accomplish by 27?
A financially stable lifestyle, a really nice girl, a swimming pool in the backyard and a couple of my platinum records on my wall

What have you actually accomplished?

Michael David Brousseau: Pictured with his svonce

Age: 31
Zodiac sign: Scorpio
Occupation: tattoo artist

What did you hope to accomplish by 31?
A wife, a job, a ridiculously large collection of records, a masters degree, a dog and rent.

What have you actually accomplished?
An ex-fiance, a job, a marginal collection of scratched hip hop 12 inches, six years of college and six credits shy of a bachelors degree in fine art, a dog ... my ex-girlfriend's dog. Can I borrow, like, 50 dollars ’til next week?

Robert William Albanese III: Borderline eligible

Age: 27
Zodiac sign: Gemini
Occupation: adjunct professor/writer/video store clerk

What did you hope to accomplish by 27?
To have made a feature-length film and/or written a published novel

What have you actually accomplished?
Maintaining somewhere between $50 and $1500 in my bank account; earning a masters degree; teaching a college class; writing a column about music in the local wine-and-cheese magazine; being moderately handsome.

Edward Joseph Rao: Reservoir Jerk

Age: 29
Zodiac sign: Sagittarius
Occupation: Former cook, current Student, professional drinker and/or over-analyzer.

What did you hope to accomplish by 29?
I would like to have an occupation that helps people while paying the bills (such as a school teacher), be happily in love, playing music regularly, and have lived somewhere other than Providence for once in my life.

by Eric Smith | photos by Rachel Silver

Money. Success. Respect. All overrated. Our peers in publishing will have you believe that they have a lock on what is “eligible,” or even “readable,” but we know otherwise. Let no other magazine tell you the measure of a man — but let us tell you. We’re different. You can trust us, for we have glimpsed the darkened bar corner, stared stoically into the smoky dens of shame, forked over, like, 200 bucks to bail you out the time you peed on that cop car. That was our rent.

Kevin Joseph Bowden: Has posted "raves" of self on craigslist

Age: 29
Zodiac Sign: Cancer
Occupation: Futon salesman, DJ, bass player for The Cold War

What did you hope to accomplish by 29?
World touring rockstar, professional stuntman

What have you actually accomplished?
Failed musician, intermittently employed, currently homeless. I'd say things couldn't get any worse, but my pee has been smelling funny.