by Saruman the White, Chief Scientific Policy Advisor to President Bush
[This article first appeared in The Agenda #14, January 2006]
Honestly, you people with your ridiculous “science.” Bah! When I bring agony and ruin upon your villages with the power of the One Ring, will the pathetic explanations of those blasphemous witch doctors you call “scientists” ease the pain of your destruction? I ask you, will their “logical conclusions” based on “data” and “experiments” drown out your screams? Only so foolhardy a race as men could build a society based on “scientific methods” and “empirical evidence.” Such nonsense! Istari magic and the visions of my palantir—those are the foundations of a functioning society.
You people seem so confident in your ludicrous “theory of evolution,” as if such incoherent speculation could possibly explain the creation of all the races of beings. I have personally overseen the creation of an entire race of fighting Uruk-hai so fearsome, they will instill a belief in the power of the One Ring among the most skeptical of men from liberal Massachusetts to your beloved Gondor. Such intelligent design could never spring spontaneously from the whims of your so-called “natural selection.” When President Bush and I unleash our mighty orc army on you foolish nonbelievers you will see that the survival or extinction of a species is preordained. The name “Darwin” will be a forbidden utterance throughout these lands; it will be as a curse on your lips.
The scornful eye of President Bush looks out from atop my tower Orthanc and sees the folly of your science education. Your hopeless scrambling for new “discoveries” and “breakthroughs” will only serve to bring the One Ring before his terrible gaze. On that day, we will seize its power and your stupid monkey theory will be banished from all schools.
It is precisely this stubborn belief in science that will leave you blind and helpless to the grand designs of President Bush and Saruman the White! You insist on decrying “pollution” and “smog” created by fossil fuels and the ceaseless churning of industry. Can you not recognize that what you call smog is actually the black clouds of Mordor gathering overhead? You cry out for the trees cut down in mass deforestation. You weep at the loss of your precious forests. Tell me, will the Ents, shepherds of the forests, shed tears for the race of men when arrows made from those cherished trees pierce your weak hearts? You call our vast strip mining operations a rape of the land, but save your tears, I say, for the day when our mighty catapults launch those boulders through the walls of your crumbling cities. Your great metropolises of New York and Osgiliath will have no choice but to succumb to the alliance of Isengard and Crawford, Texas!
You beg and cajole for preposterous “renewable energy sources,” and raise a stir about oil dependence. If you knew the scope of our designs, you would recognize this as the least of your worries. There is more than enough oil in the deep waters of the Gulf of Mexico and the Alaskan Wildlife Refuge to power the war machines of President Bush and Saruman the White. Our energy supply will drive our march of plunder across your lands, and when it is depleted, the sweat and toil of your enslavement will provide power throughout our kingdom.
Let us not forget about your absurd “global warming.” The ice is melting, you cry. The seas are rising, you moan. You weep at the coming of the winds and storms you claim are a result of this ill-conceived notion of “global warming” and the “greenhouse effect.” I tell you now, my miserable subjects, the burning of the sun’s rays will be visited a thousandfold upon your flesh by the fires of Mordor! The winds of death and misery blow not from tropical depressions, but from the top of Mount Doom. Your futile Kyoto Accord will not protect you from the apocalyptic climate changes wrought by the power of the One Ring! Yes, President Bush and Saruman the White will lord over this nation. So it is written, and your feeble “science” is powerless to stop it!
