Three Ways To Lose An Argument
by John Taraborelli
[This article appeared in The Agenda #14, January 2006]
There are three all-purpose arguments in American public discourse that are so insipid, so hackneyed, so insulting to our intelligence, that anyone who invokes them cannot help but forsake their credibility. They are: the Nazi Argument, the Terrorist Argument, and the Founding Fathers Argument. When a political opponent does or says something you disagree with, you compare him or her to a Nazi (or Hitler, more specifically), claim that as a result of his or her actions the Terrorists will win, or inform him or her that the Founding Fathers never intended for such actions to occur. In order to gain a better understanding for these arguments, I decided to try them out in everyday life. With the holiday shopping season in full swing, I figured that the mall would be a great place to conduct this experiment.
First, I went into a department store and attempted purchase a designer dress shirt with a 20% off coupon:
... Oh, and I have a coupon for 20% off that.
You can't use a coupon on this.
Why not?
It's designer. You're not allowed to use coupons on designer stuff.
Why not?
I don't know. That's just how it is.
Can't you just do it for me—maybe, bend the rules a little?
Sorry. I just do what I'm told.
That's what the Nazis said, you know? At Nuremberg.
What?
That was the defense the Nazis used at the Nuremberg trials. They were just doing what they were told.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Don't you? Let me ask you something: Do you think that just doing what you're told is a valid excuse for the genocide of six million people?
What? What does that have to do with anything?
Oh, nothing. Just that you're doing what you're told—just like a good, little Nazi.
Are you calling me a Nazi?
I wouldn't dream of it. Why? Do you feel like a Nazi?
You know what? Fuck you. Now are you gonna buy the shirt or not?
Can I use a coupon on it?
No.
Next, I bought a pair of shoes, wore them for a few days, and tried to return them:
Hi. I'd like to return these shoes here.
Okay, let's see ... Oh, I'm sorry. I can't take these back.
Why not?
Because they've been worn. I can't take them back after you've worn them.
Why not?
Because that's the policy.
Since when?
I don't know. As long as I've been working here.
And how long is that?
Since 2001.
Ah ha! See. That's just the kind of shift in policy that gives comfort to our enemies.
What?
Don't you get it? Terrorists aren't just trying to destroy our lives; they're trying to destroy our way of life. We can't just go around changing our return policies every time there is a major terrorist attack. If we're gonna do that, we might as well just turn the whole damn country over to them.
What the hell are you talking about?
I'm talking about standing our ground, about not cutting and running.
How's this for standing my ground? I'm not taking these shoes back.
Finally, I went to an electronics store and bought a cell phone that was priced at $89.99 after a $50 mail-in rebate:
Hey, that phone came up $139. I thought it was $89.
Oh, that's the price after the mail-in rebate.
I don't understand.
You buy the phone now for $139. Then you send in the rebate card and they send you back $50.
But I don't want to do that. I just want to buy the phone for $89.99 now.
That's not how it works.
Has it always worked that way?
I don't know.
Well, do you think the Founding Fathers intended it to work that way?
What?
When the Founding Fathers were devising the bold experiment that is our economic system, do you think they had rebates in mind?
Probably not.
Exactly. The Founding Fathers would never have thought up such a ridiculous way of doing things.
They probably weren't thinking about cell phones either.
No, what they were thinking about is a little something I like to call freedom, and how every man was entitled to it—unless he was, you know, black or something. And freedom is being able to buy this cell phone for $89.99 right now!
Keep your voice down. Do you want the phone or not?
I demand that you sell me this phone for $89.99 this very minute!
Stop yelling at me! Fucking Nazi.
