The Agenda

By Ted Rao

[This article first appeared in The Agenda #13, December 2005]

In the first column I listed my ten favorite Providence bands ever. Apparently, this was one of the more popular aspects of the column, since people started giving me their own lists as well. Again, gimme some shit; I’ll stir it. Here are some for you, and please e-mail me your own personal top ten, as well as all questions at iamprov@gmail.com. Babe’s on the Sunnyside, R.I.P.

1. (tie) Glory Hole / Pussy Galore (Ted: I don’t think Pussy Galore can be counted as local even if Jon Spencer did go to Brown)
2. La Machine
3. Dropdead
4. Em Dath Rir
5. Pleasurehorse
6. Mx Rx Px
7. Von Ryan’s Express
8. Six Finger Satellite
9. White Mice
10. The Body

Kevin Cafferty:

1. Neutral Nation
2. (tie) Von Ryan’s Express / Thee Hydrogen Terrors
3. small factory
4. Dropdead
5. Verbal Assault (Ted: Even though they were from Newport, I guess they count)
6. The Double Nuthins
7. The F.I.D.’s
8. Boneyard
9. Flower Gang
10. The Royal Crowns

Mark Lambert

1. Verbal Assault
2. Skinned Alive
3. Neutral Nation
4. Fall River Overdrive
5. Barn Burning
6. One Ton Shot Gun
7. Piltdown Man
8. Beltaine
9. Furnace
10. Gravity Engine
11. Jet Pack
12. Scarce

Could you tell me a little about the hurricane of 1938? Up to how many feet did downcity flood and how much damage was caused? Can you speculate on whether the destruction caused by the hurricane had any direct effect or influence on the current isolation and stagnation in the Downcity area? —Brian Frye

On September 21st, 1938, a tropical storm barreled up the East Coast and through New England, ramming right through Providence and flooding the entire downtown area, with the water levels reaching above the tops of automobiles in many cases, stranding many who chose to ride out the storm in their cars. The storm took a total of 317 lives, and many more were marooned at their places of work. (Remember, back then lots and lots of people used to actually work and live downtown.) The Providence River rose to eighteen feet above its average low-tide height in a record three hours! City Hall was used as a refugee camp for many, while the water levels at the neighboring Biltmore Hotel rose to seven feet, inundating the first floor. I wouldn’t say that there was any effect on Downcity’s current stagnation, though. That has more to do with the outward suburbanization that Providence experienced over the second half of the Twentieth Century, as newly-affluent ethnic families chose to move to towns like Johnston, East Providence, Smithfield, and Cranston. The construction of Routes 295 and 95 in the 1950s and '60s had a lot to do with this as well. So despite what Milli Vanilli once said, don’t blame it on the rain, Brian.

Coffee milk or frozen lemonade, set me straight. Bonus question: Is Del’s to frozen lemonade what “Kleenex” is to tissues? I’ve never heard a person say “Hey, let’s go out for a New England Frozen Lemonade.” —Lee Berman

In 1993 The Rhode Island General Assembly officially voted coffee milk as the official state drink. But apparently a lot of legislators wanted Del’s, and there was almost a throwdown. And yes, I think there is a certain Q-Tip or Kleenex quality to Del’s that propels it over other frozen lemonade companies when describing the drink in generic terms. But to me, that’s not really the issue, Lee. What in the hell does this question have to do with Providence? Nothing. Unless you want details about the Mr. Lemon Frozen Lemonade company, located at the corner of Douglas and Candace, I’ve got nothing to say about the statewide phenomenon of coffee milk, Del’s, or anything else so aggregate in nature. I am Providence. I never claimed to be Rhode Island. I don’t even think I’ve ever been to Little Compton, come to think of it.

What's up with that store by the corner of Westminster and Cranston that seems to be closed but lately always has the door open? In particular, can you explain what the black lace lingerie is doing in the display window next to all the reflective safety gear? —Sasha Warner Berry

Dulgarian’s! Lots of folks in and around Providence are familiar with Kenny Dulgarian, the East Side real estate mogul who owns a good chunk of Thayer Street, including the Avon and the former College Hill Bookstore (R.I.P.). Fewer are aware of his cousin Kevin, who presides over Dulgarian’s whatever-the-hell shop by Westminster and Cranston. Kevin to Kenny Dulgarian is sorta like Roger to Bill Clinton. Where Kenny is a suave, debonair business tycoon presiding over his real estate empire with an iron hand, his cousin Kevin is a swarthy, ill-mannered goblin of a man in a rumpled flannel with a distrustful look, presiding over a building with no electricity (he uses a power generator!) and (for years) a huge fucking hole in the roof. He is an A-1 weirdo, not that I’ve ever spoken to him. But some people, you just know. Anyhow, Dulgarian’s sells commercial uniform-type stuff, and maybe some folks regard lingerie as a uniform of sorts, especially with the number of strip clubs in town. I wear it like it’s my job, that’s for sure.

After reading several columns I’m left with a burning question: What are your credentials that make you “Providence?” Why should we believe your answers? —L.B.

Well, why should you? I’m only Providence because one day I decided it would be funny to call myself something so ridiculously self-important—and also because it’s a quote from a letter H.P. Lovecraft wrote to his friend James F. Morton in 1926 which was eventually put on his gravestone, a gravestone that was not actually erected until the mid-Seventies by fans of his, some forty years after his death on March 15th, 1937, at which time his name was simply added to a family monument mere feet from where he was buried, where he and his parents lay in rest in a plot owned by his maternal grandfather Whipple Van Buren Phillips, at whose 454 Angell Street home Lovecraft was born on August 20th, 1890, back when it was numbered 194, yet eventually torn down altogether in 1961. So, no, you don’t have to believe my answers. By the way Lee, just so you remember for next time, I take soymilk and no sugar in my coffee.

Now that the city is being cleaned up and sterilized, what are the best options for in-town late night eats after midnight? — L.B.

Well…I still like the New York System in Olneyville, but lately I’ve been a-hankerin’ to return to the Seaplane Diner on Allens Avenue. Years ago I was there at 2 a.m. with my friends Noah, Frank and Kevin when all the drag queens used to go there after the Allen’s Ave. gay/lesbian scene would let out, and we shared a booth with these three lesbian women, one of whom had curly short hair, a Boston Red Sox Jersey and a mustache, who gave Kevin what my other friend Mike (really, I have four friends) likes to refer to as a “hand whammy” under said booth while we were all sitting together. I remember wondering why Kevin seemed so uncomfortable while we were there and thought he might be a closet homophobe or something. But no, the lady next to him just had her mitts all over his junk and we had no idea. But that’s not why I want to go, just to clarify. Change of pace is all.

Does your research include more than just asking Joann at the Decatur about the history of Providence? —L.B.

Actually, most of the time I ask Tucker. Joann’s a hot shit, tho.

Is Frank Difficult really difficult? Liam wants to know. —Sarah Gray
That’s a good question. I’ve never found him to be difficult at all, just a really pleasant guy who at one time owned Newspeak on both Richmond Street and later on Steeple Street, where it was eventually changed to Obsidian Video. He has also played in numerous Providence bands, including The Robert Jaz Quartet, V Majestic, The Eyesores and The Barnacled. So no, he’s not difficult at all, just a strong proponent of irony.

Can you tell me in ten words or less, who Pro-Choice Potter was? —Winsor P.

Former pornographer; ran for governor on a purely pro-choice platform. Stickers everywhere. Shit, that’s twelve words. So no, to answer your question, I can’t.

Why do the people of Providence give such little credit to the people of Pawtucket? Is there some sort of hipster rivalry or creative brain drain, a migration to the birthplace of the American industrial revolution? You can’t refuse to answer this question on the basis that it concerns another town since you’d only be playing into the stereotype that Rhode Islanders are lazy and refuse to leave the town in which they live. —L.B.

I only go to Pawtucket to a) go to the registry, b) eventually get to Central Falls, and c) to get Cape Verdean food with Cynthia, Joann and Marcio. Okay? There’s nothing wrong with Pawtucket; in fact, I envy their on-street overnight parking. I just don't get there very much is all.

What are the seven original hills of Providence? —The Q.O.C.

Well, Joann, first you have Smith Hill, College Hill, and Federal Hill. Those are pretty much self-explanatory. Then you have Constitution Hill, which begins at North Main and Olney Street and goes up to Hope. Then you have Weybosset Hill, which was originally located where the Turks’ Head Building currently stands, but was leveled around the time of the building’s construction. Then there’s Tockwotten Hill, which begins just after the Point Street Bridge and travels up Wickenden. This hill was far more pronounced in Providence’s early days than it is today. Finally, there’s Christian Hill, which began downtown, and as you got to Empire it began to climb all the way up towards the intersection of Westminster and Cranston Streets, at what is now called Hoyle Square. There are other hills, such as Mount Pleasant Hill, which goes up the high end of Atwells Avenue in Olneyville, as well as Neutaconkanut, near Killingly and Plainfield Street in what is now part of Johnston. Yet those two are not considered to be among the original hills of Providence, but rather Johnston and North Providence, respectively. It’s confusing, because at the time of Providence’s founding, it basically encompassed all of what is now Providence County, yet in 1731 was split into Providence, Scituate, Smithfield and Glocester. North Providence came in 1765. Christ, now I’m confused.

Why does it seem that the #1 activity among twenty-somethings in Providence is imbibing copious amounts of alcohol? —Peter Goode

That’s a good question. P. J. O’Rourke once wrote that a bachelor’s apartment should be a mess since it should be a place that a young man should want to leave. As an unemployed twenty-something, I certainly engage in it like it’s my job. [Ed: Drinking, wearing lingerie, being Providence—Ted has a lot of cool jobs!] I guess that people in this town are constantly searching; either for fun, a mate, or some sort of answer that will help them uncover the meaning and purpose of their lives. I always notice that when friends of mine start to go out less and less, it usually coincides with a point in their life that they’re settled; either financially, romantically, spiritually, or in some other way. They don’t need to search so much anymore. So my answer is basically that we’re all a bunch of useless unsettled drunks who can’t stand the sight of our own apartment walls.

Why is the library lame now?

Well, obviously it totally sucks that many employees of the Central Branch on Empire Street got laid off last year following Director Dale Thompson’s “restructuring” of the library staff, which included firing all unionized custodial staff and replacing them with non-union help, even though the custodians offered concessions that would have saved the library a tremendous amount of money. That move followed years of steady pay raises for the library’s administrators, including Thompson, who at that point earned more than the Governor of Rhode Island. So, yes, that sucked. Thankfully, the library employees recently won their right to unionize, through the help of City Council members such as David Segal and Kevin Jackson. So that’s some good that came out of it. But yes, last year was indeed a tough time for those of us who supported the library employees. But I wouldn’t go so far as to call the entire library lame now. Just the administration and many of those on the Board of Trustees. Don’t get me started on the closing of the Washington Street entrance, though.

Who thought it was a good idea to build a church in the middle of Westminster street way back when? A move which no doubt led to the decline of all business on the ostracized west half of the street? —Brian Oakley

You can’t blame everything on the church, Brian. The Cathedral of St. Peter and St. Paul, constructed in 1872, is not the reason for the disconnect between the two sides of Westminster, even though it has a courtyard which seems to divert the movement of the street. That honor goes to good ol’ Route 95, constructed in the late 1960’s. While Buddy was still mayor, he envisioned creating overlapping walkways that would essentially render that particular stretch of 95 underground, thus allowing for extended business and commerce to take place above the highway and helping to connect the Federal Hill/West End area with Downcity. Whether that would have happened had he stayed in office is anyone’s guess, yet Mayor Cicilline’s recent Providence 2020 plan for urban renewal does not contain such a proposal. Perhaps he realizes that there’s no funding, I’m not sure.

Why does Providence seem to have every type of band EXCEPT good garage punk rock? Was this ever significantly different? —Lauren Denitzio

Quite. Here’s a list of some from the last fifteen years that I remember: The Mole People, Thee Mister Rogers Project, The Phantom Creepers, Boss Fuel, Ashley Von Hurter & The Haters, The Digs, The Double Nuthins, The Heaters, The Highway Strippers, The Sinners Club, The Scared Stiffs, The Traps. All are currently broken up, though I may have heard that the Double Nuthins might be reuniting soon, on December 21st at AS220 with the Black Clouds and the Sleazies, who also play garage and/or punk rock. But I’ll have to check with their guitarist.

Where can a girl get some good Portuguese food around here? —L.D.

Unfortunately, within the city of Providence your options are a bit limited. The Eagle Market on Ives Street still sells authentic Portuguese-American cuisine, like my favorite, the marinated pork with the littlenecks and the potatoes (I can’t spell it the proper way so I have to describe it), at the deli counter. La Moia, the tapas restaurant on Pocasset Avenue in Silver Lake, has some Portuguese-inspired dishes, such as Baccala, or salted cod, marinated in olive oil, herbs, olives and onion, which is great. But beyond that, a gal like you may have to venture over to Warren Avenue in East Providence to one of the many Portuguese restaurants there, such as Solmar, Madeira, and my favorite, O Dinis, which is small, casual, and inexpensive. There’s also some good stuff in Pawtucket, like Tropical Restaurant on Broad Street. Beyond that, you’re gonna have to drive to Fall River or New Bedford, and really, who wants that?