The Agenda

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal may have just ruined his shot (however remote) at the vice presidency. While McCain could use a younger counterpart who appeals to the Christian Right, the electorate at large may not embrace someone who veers so far towards the shoulder on the concert of faith and public policy.

Jindal's vocal support of Intelligent Design is pitiable, but potentially toxic to McCain's bid for national approval. Especially when he frames his enthusiasm this way:

Don Mollis would like to remind youse that if you voted in one party's presidential primary (presumably the one that still counted by the time Rho Dylanders got our turn) and would like to vote in another party's primary in September (presumably the party that doesn't count in Rho Dyland), you need to do that thing with the stuff by June 11.

By Ted Rao

[This article first appeared in The Agenda #13, December 2005]

In the first column I listed my ten favorite Providence bands ever. Apparently, this was one of the more popular aspects of the column, since people started giving me their own lists as well. Again, gimme some shit; I’ll stir it. Here are some for you, and please e-mail me your own personal top ten, as well as all questions at iamprov@gmail.com. Babe’s on the Sunnyside, R.I.P.

Mat Brinkman:

1. (tie) Glory Hole / Pussy Galore (Ted: I don’t think Pussy Galore can be counted as local even if Jon Spencer did go to Brown)
2. La Machine
3. Dropdead
4. Em Dath Rir
5. Pleasurehorse
6. Mx Rx Px
7. Von Ryan’s Express
8. Six Finger Satellite
9. White Mice
10. The Body

by Saruman the White, Chief Scientific Policy Advisor to President Bush

[This article first appeared in The Agenda #14, January 2006]

Honestly, you people with your ridiculous “science.” Bah! When I bring agony and ruin upon your villages with the power of the One Ring, will the pathetic explanations of those blasphemous witch doctors you call “scientists” ease the pain of your destruction? I ask you, will their “logical conclusions” based on “data” and “experiments” drown out your screams? Only so foolhardy a race as men could build a society based on “scientific methods” and “empirical evidence.” Such nonsense! Istari magic and the visions of my palantir—those are the foundations of a functioning society.

By Ted Rao

[This article first appeared in The Agenda #12, November 2005]

Cranston Mayor Steve Laffey is a complete idiot. I don’t care that he’s got an MBA from Harvard; so does our President, and there’s a guy that my cat could beat at Scrabble. He will not, repeat, will not be able to beat Senator Lincoln Chafee in next year’s primary, short of Chafee being caught in bed with a dead hooker. Even then, I doubt it. Besides, even if he did, Sheldon Whitehouse would demolish him in the general election. So screw Laffey. Wait, why do I care? Laffey’s the mayor of Cranston. This column is about Providence, America’s greatest city. Onward.

Could you please tell me a little bit about that happy man that is often found outside the side entrance to city hall holding a small tape player/radio that plays old Buddy Cianci speeches and greets people passing by with the line "Buddy Cianci number one! Go Red Sox!" Where has he gone and what is he up to? I miss that old fella. —Jed Rocka

By Dan Verrier

[This article first appeared in The Agenda #16, July/August 2006]

Hipness was around even before Lord Kelvin said “Now this is as cool as it gets,” and even just in the present day, there are any number of different definitions for it, depending on the clique being discussed. Analysis, however, leads us to some basic mechanics common to all forms of cool, regardless of period.

The reasoning behind a given thing’s popularity seems ultimately based in some quest for dominance—everybody clamoring to be the Alpha Dog—but what’s In or Out for any one group is apparently arbitrary. A given definition spreads as all memes do: from person to person, reliant upon people with varied interests to travel to other cliques, who then put their spin on it. Evolve and replicate—pure Richard Dawkins. Which isn’t to say that it’s worth liking (trucker hats and Ann Coulter are both popular in some circles, despite sucking ass). When a meme takes hold, it becomes the new Big Thing, complete with dedicated adherents…until something else comes along.

By Joan M. Wyand

[This article first appeared in The Agenda #19, July/August 2006]

A Monday in March was a beautiful day for a bike ride. After scoping out the construction of the impending 195 bridge, I biked up towards India Point Park.

I passed a dilapidated marina club that my friends and I had previously explored at night. The building is three or four stories tall and covered in rust colored paint. In the back there are two docks that could house about 20 boats. Two staircases align with the boat docks, leading up to multileveled cement decks with abandoned outdoor bars. The building seems as if it went through a hurricane. The metal handrails are contorted in the same way that the industrial steel billboards were demolished in New Orleans after Katrina. I had come back to retrieve the turquoise awning material I scouted out last time I visited.

But, but Jef... we need more luxury condos.

For the first time in U.S. history, more than one of every 100 adults is in jail or prison, according to a new report documenting America's rank as the world's No. 1 incarcerator. It urges states to curtail corrections spending by placing fewer low-risk offenders behind bars.

“As voters prepare to cast their ballots to nominate their choice for the next President of the United States, I want to make sure they know exactly where to go to cast their ballot,” says Providence Mayor David Cicilline in a press release today. Providentians seem to have divested themselves of their well-reasoned cynicism regarding the incredible fiction of American democracy, and will be turning out in “record numbers” on March 4th to register their support of future President John McCain, one of two identical lying, pro-war Democrats, or one of many irrelevant also-rans.

In any case, if you have some time to waste next Tuesday, you should go to the Rhode Island Voter Information Center website to find out the location of your local polling place (pictured, left). Note that your polling place for the primary election may be different from your usual November location, so it's a good idea to check, to ensure you can maintain the illusion of having your voice heard.

Clear Channel has been bought for $19.5B ($39.20/share) by 'a private equity group' led by Bain Capital and Thomas H. Lee Partners.

Bain Capital was founded in Boston in 1984 by three partners, including Mitt Romney, who were all also partners in Bain & Co. consulting. Romney was also Massachusetts governor at the time.

C'est tres triste, le foundeur de "franglaise," l'homme Britaine (pas d'etre confusee avec "Breton"), Miles Kingston, est morte, a ceci mardi.

Kingston ecriveree par Punch magazin pour la plus ans, producer un column allez, "Let's Parler Franglais!" avec pieces utiles comme, par example, un vendriere porte-a-porte qui dit, en assurance, "Je ne suis pas un nutter religieux." J'ai aprecie personnallement ces installments tres beauboups.

Don't be surprised if you hear that question a lot more often in the coming months. Rhode Island's premier manufacturer of Carcieri blankets has alerted us to the news that federal Medicare officials, looking to cut costs, have finally noticed an accounting irregularity here in Rhode Island. (Funny; you'd think they'd look here first for that kind of thing.)

Governor Carcieri

Dear Governor Carcieri,

I write to you to express my displeasure regarding a recent “Pro-Life” rally in the State House. Though I fully support any view you or anyone else may hold on this issue, I find it quite inappropriate for you to host such an event in the State House rotunda. You, as governor, are the representative of each and every Rhode Islander. For you to open the doors of the State House for supporters of one belief, simultaneously slams the doors on the other. Would you allow a pro-choice rally within the rotunda? Would you lend voice to the other segment of the population of this state who support the right to choose? I doubt it.

I think The Don's been sucking on one of those pipes we featured recently.